Embrace the Confusion?

I used to try to find meaning in things that happened - like maybe there was an unseen hand at work and whatever happened was for a reason. But I realized the other day that I haven't done that in a while. I don't think I want to look too closely at anything right now. It's like when you almost get into a car accident that you just know you wouldn't have survived, and you go over it and over it in your mind. Then, when you've exhausted all possible outcomes, you come to the conclusion that obviously it wasn't your time. Anymore, all I can think of doing is saying, what was that for? What was the point of that? Or more simply...why? All I know is I haven't been able to come up with any answers and I'm tired of looking.

When everything is taken from you, how should you feel? What should you do? Is it time to reflect on how you view life? Is it time to re-evaluate your approach? Are there stages you go through, as in stages of grief? I've been watching the devastation on television from the tornadoes in the mid-west. Those folks lost everything. And yet, the resiliency of the human spirit prevails. The communities affected will come together and rebuild. They always do.

I had a conversation with a friend today about what's going on in our lives. His son is in prison for something he didn't do. I remember how helpless he and his wife felt at the time..still do, in fact. He said that he doesn't care about anything anymore..not his business, nothing. Because running the business was all about what he could leave for his son. And his son will be in prison for 25 years. So in four years, he wants to retire at 62 and maybe then try to deal with his broken heart. 

His wife found a pastor who seems to say what they need to hear in the way they need to hear it. He's helped immeasurably with their frustration and grief. And fear. Fear catches up with a person when one least expects it. It hides and then bursts out when calm needs to prevail. The last couple of years have been impossible for them. All the plans they had..gone. Life has changed forever and nothing will ever be the same again. 

It's that sameness that we depend on, I think. Although we expect there to be some amount of upheaval in our lives, we do better when things are calm.The upheaval so many are experiencing right now seems more extreme than normal. People have lost their jobs, their homes, and their dignity. Children aren't safe at school. The upheaval is permanent. It's not a moment in time that will subside. We anticipate a certain progression to life and for many of us life isn't exactly going as we thought it would. 

The upheaval gives way to confusion. It's hard to know which way to turn because you're afraid of making things worse. My friend hired an attorney for his son who was supposed to be the best, but who turned out to be worthless. Would a public defender have been better? Would that person have provided his son with a better defense? When we received the letter that our commercial lease had been terminated, we were immediately in shock. We just stood there, knowing that our lives were about to become extremely unpleasant. We'd done nothing wrong to deserve this. We also knew that we didn't have enough money to both move our business to a new location and be able to make it through next winter when work would be scarce. Our motorcycle shop was seasonal in nature due to its location and we made our bank for the winter during the summer riding season. In view of our still depressed economy, it seemed likely that making it through next winter would be tough. So there we were. We rented space at a storage facility, and then bought a 40 foot container that we had delivered to our house. We're in the process of moving everything home now. Another friend said, now that you've had time to relax... Relax. Really? Technically we're still moving. Which we've been doing since the end of April.

As my friend and I both agreed, as much as we try to control the outcome, we're in control of nothing. We feel essentially adrift. What used to matter doesn't really exist anymore. Everything ended up being temporary. But then, maybe it always was. Maybe the key is to not get too heavily invested in any sort of outcome. Or maybe it's not to get distracted by bumps in the road. Either way, we each move about more carefully now. Life has become far too surreal not to.

His Holiness, the Dalai Lama says that the best way to be at peace is to help others. Our friends, who have every reason to hate the world and everyone in it for what happened to their son, have gone above and beyond to help us through this extraordinarily difficult time. We cherish them. And when it's all said and done, that's what I'll remember, and in turn, do for someone else. 

If it's raining, it must be Memorial Day weekend..

Memorial Day weekend. It always rains. This weekend is no exception. So, I made some more oil. I have to say, I sleep so much better now that I'm taking oil in the evening. 

I planted in the greenhouse this year. I've had a greenhouse for many years, but I've never really used it. My husband fixed it up a few years ago and was planting in it, but I was just too ill to do anything. Plus, I had to walk through pond water that leaks through just to get to the greenhouse. It smells. So that's not happening. This year, however, he built a walkway so that I can get there without it creeping me out. Now I just have to remember that I did all this and go out there every day and water everything. I used to grow huge gardens. I should be able to handle this. We'll see...

I'll either have enough for a salad at some point, or back to the produce department.

I bought a 40ft container to put the business in. We're finally starting to move things from the storage unit. The next thing is to finish up the inventory and then contact a liquidation company to deal with it. At some point, it will all be over. I guess then we'll be able to look at what's happened without all this other crap hanging over our heads. It will still suck. It's not easy losing a business at any time, but when it's imposed upon you, there's no real way to find closure. We didn't decide to retire. We didn't decide to end a business that wasn't successful. We just had no options going forward when our lease was terminated. You don't always win when you're in the right. Sometimes the really bad people win. And that's what happened to us. I'd like to think karma will get them in the end as they say, but I really don't have any faith in that, primarily because it never happens quickly enough for me to watch.

The Course in Miracles teaches that we give everything the meaning that it has. We can look at things any way we want to. It's a choice. I can choose to be angry about the circumstances of my life or I can choose to feel another way. Still working on that one, by the way. My husband wants to know what he's supposed to think about everything that's happened. He wants to know what he's supposed to learn from it. What was it all for? Twenty years of his life, in his estimation, was for nothing. So I had the talk about the difference between being focused on the goal or the process. Process-oriented people do better in life I think because they aren't concerned with outcomes, just the journey. That's the difference between us. And it's a significant difference. I will fare better with this adjustment than he will. He's focused on his life's work, which I can understand. For me, it's about who I am in this life, not what I do. As long as I'm learning, then everything's fine. I just want harmony. He's about extremes. And yes, it's been a bumpy 34 years.

Thank God for Weeds marathons.

His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama's message: We Are One...

I was blessed to see His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama today in Eugene. He's surprisingly direct and funny. His message was simple: we are one. Problems happen when we forget that. We become self-centered in our attitude. He said there's too much I, I, I in our attitude. We focus on perception instead of reality. We forget that love and compassion are part of our collective essence. He said we cannot exist in isolation. We are social in nature and we need each other for our very survival. 

So the title of the lecture, "The Path to Peace and Happiness in a Global Society," was particularly appropriate given the fact that a global society, like it or not, is exactly what we are.   Although it begins with the individual, it doesn't center there..instead focusing on how each person can extend love and compassion to others. He said it doesn't even matter if those you are kind to react positively or not. Extending compassion helps our own spiritual development which, in turn, extends to the world. When people feel valued and respected, the world becomes a better place.

His Holiness discussed the need for mothers to give as much attention as possible to their children in their early years. He believes that mothers create balance in their children that cannot be created any other way. He said that male dominance tends to make things worse in the world, and we need feminine energy to bring peace. He cited people under the age of 30 as part of the 21st century and the key to peace in the world. Their ideas are more progressive and balanced than those from the 20th century. And he's just fine with the idea of a female Dalai Lama. He went on to say that women are a different sort of "hero", that we perceive problems in ways that men don't, resulting in a better outcome.

His Holiness spoke of the need to be respectful of other views, including religious views. He said that there are many paths to God and that all paths essentially share the same message. Sometimes when we see others, not as simply our brothers and sisters, but as a particular religion, race, gender, etc., we create an us versus them feeling. Seeing others as fellow human beings fosters genuine respect and appreciation of individual differences instead of allowing them to divide us. Love and compassion toward others is the result.

The problems we have are caused by mankind. The answer is universal: We are one. When we acknowledge that and live accordingly, division ends and unity prevails. We all deserve that.

In a questioning mood today..

Why can't someone invent a gas can that doesn't leak? It wasn't as if the can was over-filled. I happen to hate the smell of gasoline. It makes me sick. And the last place I want to smell it is in my car. 

Why is there nowhere to park in Eugene when the Dalai Lama is there on Friday? That seems odd. I have to park in my son's driveway, which is awesome by the way, and then walk. At least I get to do that. What about everyone else? There's a shuttle from Autzen Stadium, but nowhere does it say we can park there. I understand the whole security issue, but still...11,000 people need a place to park..just sayin.

One of the main streets where I live is having work done and so there are detours. That's fine, but it doesn't seem as if they're going to reduce the height of the road so that we don't destroy the front ends of our cars while turning into driveways. It's been this way for over thirty years that I know of, and one would think they'd use this road work to fix that as well. I've always been mystified by decisions relating to road work. Does anyone look at the bigger picture?

And for the love of all that is holy, why did South Carolina elect Mark Sanford over Elizabeth Colbert-Busch? Have they not been paying attention? So, the mythological hiking of the Appalachian Trail was okay with them? Infidelity is okay, I guess. I'm sure his ex-wife disagrees.

Also, what are courts for, exactly? Aren't they to decide outcomes? I mean, you go there, they listen, and they make a decision about whatever you're there for. But not in California. There, dispensaries were ruled legal, but it's still okay for towns to ban them. So, not only do we have a difference between Federal and State laws regarding medical cannabis, a sort of "interstate" issue, but California also has an "intrastate" issue as well. Isn't that what a court is supposed decide on..whether or not this opposing situation can exist? Well, apparently, the court punted as it were and decided that all options were just dandy. Legal, yet not. Cool. 

And can we all just agree that we shouldn't be genetically modifying our foods? But until we stop doing that, we need labeling that we can all understand. This should be a no-brainer, but we tend in this country to make sure all the bad stuff continues to happen instead of doing the right thing and setting proper boundaries. It IS our country. We need to remember that. Monsanto can make money doing things that are positive. Our health is too important to give it away to corporations. Because despite what SCOTUS says, corporations are not people and greed shouldn't always win the day.

So there you have it..

LED lighting

For the record, I like LED lighting. It's great for the vegetative state of any plant, and cannabis just loves it. Flowering is with HID lighting, but as prices come down and LED lighting focuses a little more on that spectrum, I'll be able to use it for flowering as well. I can now, but the buds are smaller. I use far less electricity with LEDs and that's always a plus. And the plants look awesome:

Best of all..they're a lovely magenta. ;-)

Sunshine Systems is where I buy my LED lighting. They're extremely nice and helpful there and they have great pricing. I know some people use more traditional methods, but LEDs are great and shouldn't be discounted as a viable way to grow.  See above ;-)

The three plants are Vortex, JillyBean/Flav cross, and the Triple. The Triple was a cross between Flav and possibly White Widow. I'm not actually sure. It was growing in the compost pile and we've cloned off of it ever since. It has nice tight buds, lots of resin and is great for RSO. We call it the Triple because when it began it had three start leaves instead of two. Thanks especially to TGA Genetics for their awesome seeds!

They Act With Impunity

I watched Rachel's show last night and, as always, I was impressed at how she told the story of Reagan's crime against this country. He wasn't supposed to sell arms to Iran, yet he arrogantly did and others took the fall. This country changed when he was in office. I had my first child in 1980..I was 22 years old..but I knew that his election would begin the ruination of this country. Trickle down economics..imagine that. Like any rich person is going to make sure the poor are "lifted up" out of poverty. It's as if the poor get what's left over, if any. It was that same kind of arrogance that led to the crash in 2008, and that repealed the assault weapons ban. It also led the Supreme Court to stop the vote counting in Florida and hand the presidency to someone who was so unprepared to be president that he couldn't even form enough coherent thought to, in turn, form coherent sentences. Somehow, I just thought presidents should be eloquent. And intelligent. You know, understand the constitution and all that.

And now that arrogance has led the Supreme Court to declare that corporations are people. Do actual people even count anymore? Apparently we don't because the sequester is happening. Meals on Wheels recipients are affected, as are cancer patients, Head Start, and Lord know who else. I used to work for an Area Agency on Aging, and our Meals on Wheels program was vital to the seniors who received meals each day. For many, this was the only nutritious meal they got. And for Congress to act to stop airport delays, but to not act to end the sequester really demonstrates how far we've fallen.

We're all tired of these idiots having power over our lives. The deck has been stacked in their favor for far too long. They shoot from the hip - make it up as they go along. This doesn't serve our country. This lifts up no one except for Congress and their friends who support their campaigns. They ruin the economy and yet they don't go to jail. They torture prisoners, and yet they don't go to jail. They take us to war on a lie, yet they don't go to jail. They try to suppress the vote, yet they don't go to jail. They do everything to get around the constitutional protections we enjoy in this country, yet they don't go to jail. But God help the medical cannabis activists in Idaho, because they returned from a trip to find their children had been taken away - just because they believe in cannabis as medicine and speak out.

And they do all this with impunity. They can out a CIA analyst and the actual people involved don't go to jail. Those in power decide everyone else's fate. When I hear someone say, I want my country back, it usually has to do with the other side being in power. I think we have an even bigger problem. It doesn't matter which side runs roughshod over us, it's the fact that they can that's disturbing. The fact that the Bush administration is still running around, free to live their lives, is ridiculous. The fact that Reagan didn't have to face charges for what he did is ridiculous. When did that become okay? When did we decide we have no power? The Occupy folks were a little disjointed at times, but they actually represented us. They stood out there, they marched, they got sprayed in the eyes, they got beaten..all to say, no more.

Look, I have no problem with various income levels. That's always going to happen with capitalism. But when it's done at the expense of others, it's wrong. Trickle down economics was a sham and it says something when some of us still buy into it. It represents arrogance that we cannot afford. Either we're a country that believes in equality as well as the rule of law, or we believe in bowing to paternal overlords who decide everything. We can't be both. We must vote the idiots out in 2014. We must require more of our legislators than we currently do. A basic level of intelligence would be nice. I'd also like them to know the constitution. Understanding how the law works would also be a plus. And understanding that we can still have a Second Amendment without letting everyone and his brother have assault weapons should be a given.

They act with impunity because we let them. We need to stop doing that.

Thankfulness

So many things I'm thankful for:

• The woman in the car today who, along with her husband, circled our building three times looking at all the metal we're having recycled. She thinks I'm a bitch. I'm not, but it doesn't matter. I learn so much from unpleasant people. Sorry they couldn't have anything from the pile. It's the only income we have from the business at this point as we close down. I let them know we were closing and that our life was destroyed, but she didn't care. I apologized for being bitchy (translated, I said they couldn't have anything) and that didn't matter either. Nor did it matter when I said my husband saw them circle the building and was freaking out. Apparently, she believes I'm mean to everyone. Except for the fact that I'm not. She's representative of all those people I won't miss at all.
• I'm thankful for the people at Ponderosa Heating and Cooling. They installed our updraft fan on the roof for our dyno. They did such a great job twelve years ago that removing it was easy. So was patching the hole they left. And they left the insulation stuffed up under the ceiling so that we can fix that too. They do all our heat pump stuff at home and they are just great!
• I'm thankful for the folks at East Cascade Security. They provided us with alarm service and the security cameras we have. Sue was so nice on the phone when I told them what was going on. We're grateful for all they did for us over the thirteen years we were in business.
• I'm thankful for the people we did business with. Not everyone was loyal to our shop, but many were and they were awesome. Even the folks that went other places were great. They never questioned any of my husband's recommendations because they knew he wouldn't sell them anything that they didn't need or was junk. Neither would I, for that matter. They kept us going during the crash of 2008 and beyond. There aren't enough words to tell them how much we love them. They were all amazing. We were blessed to know them and they made life at the shop more than joyful.
• I'm thankful for our friends..particularly Rob and June. They've been family since the 80's when we trained together in Kenpo. We've been through a lot together and we've seen each other through some extremely difficult times. We love them. Simple as that. And we'd do absolutely anything for them.
• The guy who came and picked up our steel and aluminum for recycle was awesome. Schnitzer Steel was the company, and they were so helpful. Sad that we had to throw stuff away, but I can't take all that home. My husband had collected that stuff for years and had plans for much of it. It was really hard for him to let all of it go, but bless his heart, as traumatic as it was he did it. And since he came today, we don't have to spend all night here guarding the pile from folks that apparently want stuff from it. 
• As for my landlord, by evicting us because he felt like it, he destroyed our business. I'm thankful that I know at last just who he is. I gave him the benefit of the doubt on a few issues that I now know I shouldn't have. But live and learn, I guess. When someone says, yeah, don't turn the guy in back in to the city, just come to me and I'll handle it, and then nothing really happens, wake up and smell the coffee burning. Because when you get tired of waiting (8 years) and working within the so-called "requirements", you become the problem when you stand up for your rights. Thanks again, buddy.
• Lastly, I'm thankful for my boys and the lovely women in their lives. Although James and Leah aren't married, we regard her as our daughter-in-law just as we do Emilie, who married Josh last December. I don't worry about my boys anymore because of those two incredible women. And my sons have turned into such amazing men. They work hard, are so smart, and behave with honor and integrity. I love the four of them so much.

As awful as all this is, I'm grateful for the experience. I learned so many things that I never thought I would ever know about. I also learned that I don't do well around self-absorbed, ego-driven people. Or those that manipulate and lie. Or guys who secretly want to be single when they're not. They were the most interesting. It was so hard watching them demean their wives in front of me. I spent many hours over the years envisioning what it would have been like to perform my black belt test on them. Or even the first couple of minutes. Yep, never a good idea to demean your woman in front of me or my husband. He nearly decked one guy for it. And we were not surprised when we learned they divorced. So it's best that I stay away from folks like that. Give them a wide berth and be happy when they don't act that way. Nobody's perfect and we all get self-absorbed from time to time. It's normal and sometimes even healthy. But when it combines with smugness and a desire to control others, it just doesn't do anyone any good. I'm so grateful for everyone who didn't act that way. They were such a joy to know and I'm so glad they're a part of our life. And the others, I wish them happiness, because evidently they need some. Maybe then they'd see that they can extend love to others without expecting anything in return. Life doesn't have to be a quid pro quo experience. It's actually better when it's not.

For us, we'll be fine. The stress will go away. We can focus on our home and property, something we haven't been able to do for thirteen years. I was ill for so long that I lost the connection I used to have with my home. I couldn't work around the yard or garden. I felt completely useless. I stood under an evergreen tree in our front yard the other day to get out of the wind, and it was so cool. That tree was small enough when we bought the place thirty two years ago that we didn't need a ladder to put Christmas lights on it. Now, it's so tall that I can stand under its branches. How cool is that!!

I think we'll be out of here by next week. And that's a good thing.