I posted a picture on my Facebook page entitled
15 Things to Give Up. It's essentially a list of behaviors that many of us engage in which are counterproductive to our happiness and success in life. Three of the items listed I really need to focus on. I know I'm not alone in this. Many women do the same silly things that I do. But these three things intertwine and reinforce each other, so they're important to look at.
People pleasing is one. I do that. And I do it at the expense of my own needs, as well as my own dignity. It's never a good idea to give yourself away. All that happens is that you lose power, and those that don't deserve power actually gain it. It leads to others taking advantage and that's not good for anyone. It's okay to set boundaries and say no.
I also engage in negative self-talk. That's really destructive. I suppose it's related to that people pleasing thing. I can convince myself of all kinds of stupid things that have no basis in reality. I gain nothing and cause myself endless and unnecessary grief. Judgment serves no purpose.
Lastly, I engage in self-doubt. I'm too willing to let others define what I'm allowed to do or to be. Years ago I had this job where one of my co-workers shared my first name. And not just the given name, but all the nicknames that might go with it. I was left with my co-workers deciding what name I would be called. It ended up being my first and last name. The whole thing. And yes, it was weird. I was too worried about losing that job to protest. And because my supervisor was the only other person who had a college degree, I was not permitted to talk about my "time in college" so that none of my co-workers would be upset. Upset. Really. I bought into it hook, line and sinker.
Ridiculous!
The reality is, I've accomplished much in my life. I graduated high school in three years. I began college at sixteen and graduated when I was twenty. I raised two boys, homeschooling them for part of their lives. Both are now college graduates and are successful in their fields. I used to grow massive gardens and preserve everything for the winter. And I can flood-irrigate a pasture like nobody's business. I trained for and earned a black belt in karate. I've owned two businesses - a karate school and currently a motorcycle shop. But the three things I listed above made all that far more difficult than it ever needed to be.
As a woman, the pressure is on to conform, to not speak up, to not demand respect. Owning the motorcycle shop is interesting, because believe it or not, not every guy who comes in the door is respectful. Sometimes they can be real assholes. I felt in the past that if I called them on their crap that I would lose business...and not just from the offending person. I cherish the guys who aren't like this. I really do. They are a true blessing in my life. The others think I should be seen and not heard. I'm not supposed to know more than they do about their motorcycles. Problem is, I do. Sorry about that. I guess they thought I was only there to answer the phone.
Owning the karate school was also interesting because often the only time the guys were respectful was when they couldn't remember something. Oh boy, they loved me then. Our school wasn't exactly a cake walk either. To succeed students had to really be focused on their training. Our style required body contact, albeit controlled, and without that focus, other students could be injured. The fact that I was the only person in the school to earn a black belt seemed to slip right by them. The fact that I was one of their instructors did as well.
I used to get so upset when my mother would say, if you want something done right, you need to do it yourself. I thought that was so arrogant. I thought it meant that she thought only
she was the capable one. I was so offended by that attitude. Now I know that wasn't what she meant. She meant that sometimes it was simply easier to chart your own course. Take responsibility for the task at hand. Less drama that way. She died in 1996. I wish I would have realized this sooner and shared that realization with her. She worked tirelessly, while married to my father, and even harder after their divorce. She deserved far more support and appreciation from me than I gave her.
At some point, as women, we have to connect with the fact that we are inherently worthwhile, and we don't need anyone else to define that for us. It's important that we acknowledge our accomplishments and be comfortable doing so. We need to stop judging ourselves so harshly. And we need to have courage. Courage to let others sit with their feelings when we set boundaries they might not like. Courage to appreciate our strengths. Courage to demand respect from others who are insensitive. Courage to let consequences be. Courage to face the possibility that we may need to go it alone in life. Marriage and family might not be in the cards for all women. Working for others may not be either.
And a final note to the sisterhood out there...the next time one of you decides not to be supportive of other women, just stop and think for a moment. If we don't support one another, who else is there? Who else understands what we go through? I couldn't watch the hearings today on Benghazi. I couldn't watch the senators and congressmen disrespect Secretary Clinton the way some of them did. She's not the enemy. Their asinine attitudes are. As are those pesky fifteen things we ALL need to give up.
