I started this blog one year ago today on the advice of my youngest son. He felt my Facebook page was too activist and I should have another, more appropriate place to express my views. I guess he didn't realize I could post everything I write here on my wall. In any event, I have to thank him because I really like my blog. I appreciate everyone who has read any of it. I named it Eternally Dazed and Confused because typically that's how I feel. I decided I would write about the things I care about..women's issues, the whole country is going down the crapper, medical cannabis, and things like that. Then came the more metaphysical stuff such as runecasting, The Course, and empath abilities.
A year ago, I didn't know that four months later my business would end and our lives would be turned upside down. I also didn't know that ultimately, that would be a really great thing. I also would learn that I didn't have the friends I thought I had. That was far more difficult than losing the business. But it's always better to know the truth about things, and evidently their friendship was tied to our business and not to us. And that's okay. Things get confusing when your business is your life. And now that I'm happily unemployed, clarity has finally returned.
I've had time during this year to return to my study of A Course in Miracles. It's not that I stopped studying, I just didn't finish the text. So I, along with my husband, began the text again and I'm almost finished. He listened to the entire book on his IPod and is currently on his second time around. The Course is such a departure from how most people view themselves and the world around them, that it's a blessing that he has embraced it as I have. He might as well since he's been exposed to it for the last thirty years. It's nothing if not familiar.
Studying the Course has also helped me as an empath. Constant awareness of emotions surrounding me tends to leave me feeling drained. It would be nice if it were empowering, but it's not. The noise gets loud and I usually check out until it quiets down. From the Course, I realize that it's really a focus problem. I've always been too distracted by everything that goes on around me. It's sort of like going to a craft store. I have no idea where to start. Creative energy is everywhere and there's so much to look at! The only thing I can do is to start at one end and go through each aisle until I find what I came there for. Empaths are like kids in a candy store with energy. We absorb everything unless we shield ourselves from it. So over the last year, I have been learning how to shield myself more effectively. And that's been a lifesaver.
In July, my abuser died and his wife is now sending me the bills associated with his death. Although we've never met, she had decided that his ultimate victim should be responsible for everything. Nice lady. She apparently also tried to replace his name with her own on my brother's house, which he owned jointly with my brother. She also didn't tell us about a couple of related bank accounts, one of which, unbeknownst to me, I was an actual owner of, and the other we were both beneficiaries of. Unfortunately for her, however, when she alerted the bank of his death by cancelling our father's debit card, the bank contacted my brother to let him know the funds need dispersing. Having no idea what this was about, he contacted the wife and she went nuts. Grandmaster Parker used to say something to the effect, "greed is the seed of destruction". He was right. It is. So the bills come. If they don't come directly from her, then I contact anyone I have to and explain the situation, and then threaten to sue them if they bother me again. Because after all, daughters who are molested by their fathers don't have to be responsible for the death bills. Wives are. Particularly in community property states. Which they lived in when he died. Women might want to think before marrying late in life. It's telling when daughters cut off contact with their fathers and no one will explain why.
All in all, even with the bumps in the road, the summer was awesome. I reconnected with my home, worked out in my greenhouse, did all the flood irrigation of our pasture, and I'm walking eight miles each day. Yes, eight. Four years ago, my RA had become so bad that I thought I would die. I was in what would become a year long flare. Half way through, I became a cannabis patient. January 2011 was the beginning of the end of my twelve year nightmare. I could barely walk during those years, making even going to the grocery store difficult. Excruciating pain 24/7 is exhausting, so to be able to walk eight miles a day is pretty cool. Unfortunately, Kenpo is another story. I have so much damage from the RA, that I find working out to be tricky, so that's going more slowly. The last thing I need to do is injure myself, but I've been a Black Belt for almost twenty-three years. And not being able to move like one for twelve of those years was devastating. Baby steps..
I hate platitudes, but the one about losing everything to find what you actually need is true. We all get so caught up in illusions that seem to drive our chaotic lives when we need to choose peace. We're only victims of our chaotic lives if we choose to be. We forget how much power we actually have to extend love and unity to others. Anything else doesn't deserve our attention at all..
Thanks for reading! Your comments are most welcome and so very appreciated!
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