Life goes on..

It's interesting. Every time I either stand up for myself, or do what someone in authority tells me to do, I'm viewed as a bad person. It's as if as long as I'm doing everything that everyone else wants, then I'm a good person. If I say no to something, I'm not. How is that even possible? Or fair?

And the retaliation is awful. Because they always retaliate. My father (abuser) dies and as one of the beneficiaries, I'm given account numbers that my brother and I are beneficiaries on so that I can arrange for their disbursement. I did that. Then, wouldn't you know it, I received more account numbers from another bank. It's funny because I don't remember being told about them by my abuser's wife's family member who called me to give me the initial account numbers. I seem to remember getting the additional account numbers from my brother who found out when the bank sent him some paperwork on those accounts. Until then, he had no idea that they even existed. And according to my brother, my abuser's wife didn't appear happy that he knew about them. But I wasn't there, so I don't know if that was true or not. After all, he had a different relationship with him and was pretty upset about losing his father. But then he didn't do the things to my brother that he did to me. So I contacted that bank, did what they asked and the funds were disbursed to me and my brother. Now I'm the bad guy for doing so. And now my abuser's wife is sending me his medical bills to pay. 

What I'd like to know is where is his will? I'm fairly certain that he had one. Who gets his personal possessions? I don't want any of them, but I know my brother would like to have something. Why do women get involved with men later in life, believing only what they tell them about themselves? Did she ever wonder why I had no contact with him? She's a mother. Didn't she suspect? I would have.

Well, I'm not going to pay anything and she has no right to ask for this. I had no contact with him for good reason. I wasn't safe around him. He had an arsenal that he used to intimidate and threaten me and my mother with. And where is that arsenal now? It was worth a fortune. I asked my brother and he doesn't know. Again, I don't want the arsenal. I want nothing other than what I've already received. I had no idea I was receiving anything and I had no idea my name was on any accounts. I had no contact with him. I had no choice there. He terrified me. And on July 2, when he died, I was finally safe. Survivors understand this. I'm sorry my abuser's wife can't. Instead, she's angry at, and punishes, his victim. I don't get this. He should have gone to prison for what he did. And she wants to punish ME?

I don't wish ill on my abuser's wife. I don't know her. I've never met her. And although I know my abuser could talk his way into and out of anything including a marriage (he's been married a bunch of times), I want nothing to do with anyone who has made a conscious decision to have something to do with him. I can't trust people who do this. I don't know if his past wives were unaware of who and what he was, but I can't take that chance that they were. He destroyed my chance at a healthy life. 

And on July 2, 2013, after 55 terrifying years, I took that chance back. So there you have it.

Putting Our Collective Foot Down..

When I attended a lecture by His Holiness The Dalai Lama in May, he emphasized the role of mothers in creating a better world. He said that mothers had a special responsibility to make their children feel loved. Boys, in particular, need this. As a mother of two boys, now men, I've thought about that counsel almost daily since then. Both of my guys turned out to be intelligent, responsible men. So I think I did an okay job. I respected and welcomed their opinions. I let them know their feelings mattered...that they mattered. Kids need to be treated with dignity and respect so that they in turn do that for others. They were my focus and it was my responsibility to make sure they understood how to navigate through life in a respectful and honest manner. This isn't to say that I was one of those mothers who related to my kids as a friend. I saw that happen in some families and it was a recipe for disaster. How do children learn to respect authority if their parents won't assume that role?

But none of this matters if some crazy person with a gun can come out and kill my boys whenever he feels like they're up to no good. Apparently our kids aren't safe anywhere - not in school, not at the mall, not walking home from the store. And yet, some of us go insane at the notion of not having access to military style assault weapons and extended clips. Why on earth would we set ourselves up for such disaster? Why on earth would we create laws that seem to go a little too far into personal choice when defining our right to defend ourselves from harm? Using a weapon to stop an attack is acceptable. Chasing someone down who did nothing to you and using the weapon when the person decides to defend himself against your actions defies all sensibility in the first place. To think a guy like that was found not guilty of such an act should scare the hell out of all of us.

There's a meanness out there now. Everything seems like an assault on one group or another. SCOTUS gave personhood to corporations, so the rest of us are inconsequential. They gutted the Voting Rights Act, just in case we didn't understand what they did to all of us with Citizen's United. How many ways can the highest court in the land tell the citizens of this country that they don't matter? Texas just made it more difficult for women to seek health care, particularly in the case of abortion, with another new bill introduced which prevents abortion after 6 weeks. For the love of God, we don't always know we're pregnant at 6 weeks. Why come after women this way? When we respond, and we will, you won't like it. I promise. 

Women want peace. We want calm. We want to go about our lives feeling safe and want everyone we love to feel the same way. We don't want to be disrespected - not by our partners, children, employers, friends, communities, governors, Congress.. We're tired of seeing news reports of our children being riddled with bullets at school. We're tired of our hearts breaking and knowing that doesn't matter so much anymore. 

Sybrina Fulton didn't want to be a role model for every mother out there who has lost a child to violence. She's far more noble than I would have been if one of my sons had been murdered. Particularly if the murderer got away with it as in the case of her son, Trayvon. 

My mother used to "put her foot down" about one thing or another, and I knew at that point that whatever I wanted was about to fly right out the window. That woman was so effective that although I entered college at 16, I continued to ask permission to do things until long after I moved out at 18. Maybe that's what all of us need to do. Maybe we need to put our "collective foot" down and say we've had enough. We've had enough of laws that protect the bad guys. Doesn't matter if it's a gangster or a bankster, we've had enough of other people destroying lives with impunity.

Who doesn't agree with that? Because the outrage is growing.