Reconnecting to the Divine Feminine..

Wicca teaches that the Goddess created the universe and everything and everyone in it. In her wisdom, She created a duality which balances masculine and feminine energy. But in practice, is it always an equal balance? I don't think so, given societal norms and mores that tend to discount or dismiss feminine energy in favor of masculine energy. Because of that, feminine energy is thought to be weak; masculine energy is viewed as strong. However, nothing could be further from the truth. And now everything is so out of control.

And by everything, I mean men, as well as all the women who support the oppression of other women. I read an article in which former President Jimmy Carter expressed his belief that Republican men are abusing women by not embracing Equal Pay laws. He's the perfect example of how to be Christian and still think women are worth fighting for. I know others like him exist..we're just not hearing from them enough. Maybe President Carter's comments will prompt others to speak out on behalf of women's issues. Pope Francis expresses progressive thinking about women, but still won't allow female priests. Baby steps, I suppose.

War hawks in Congress, particularly the Senate, should really connect to the divine feminine energy that they've so effectively hidden from view. President Obama understands this concept, standing in stark contrast to Mr. Putin and his aggressive action in Ukraine. Some in Congress clearly disagree with President Obama's approach, instead blaming him for not being "manly" like Putin. Their definition of manly expresses the imbalance in which the world now lives. 

Even the military isn't exempt from this imbalance. They brazenly continue to insist that they can investigate sexual assault, by officers no less, and then justify it all when the guy gets his charges and/or sentence reduced..assuming he's convicted in the first place. They want it both ways which fails on every level to respect the victim. They're just like a spoiled child who has had too much candy. The rush (of arrogance in this case) is too great, and they can't see anything clearly. Anyone who has had kids understands this. And whether we're talking about Congress or the military, or anything else for that matter, the good ol' boy's club mentality needs to go..now.

Last May, I attended a lecture given by His Holiness, The Dalai Lama. His message: We are One. He stressed the importance of balance and equality, particularly in the case of women. His Holiness discussed the problem with out of control male egos and told mothers to train their sons to value compassion. Radical ideas? No. They reflect the truth that lies within. We cannot go on as we have. We need a kinder world. We have forgotten that we are one and that everyone matters. Mr. Putin needs to take his troops home. Congress needs to embrace our President and then get to work fixing this country. Compassion needs to rule the day. 

Women are the bedrock of the family. We give life and wipe tears and bring balance. We should never need to fear the men in our lives, nor should we need to fear men in authority. And yet, that's where we now find ourselves. All that we've worked for as feminists is in jeopardy. We cannot let this happen.

My Sisters..we need to raise feminine energy to bring back harmony and balance to the Earth. Create your sacred space. Extend blessings of love and remembrance. Extend blessings of awakening and vision. We must be vigilant for there is much work to do. Our children deserve a world far better than the one we now have. They deserve to feel safe and loved. Clearly..it's up to us.

~ Blessed Be!

Lay back and enjoy it???

I just read an article in Think Progress (link below) where Ranjit Sinha, India's Chief of the Central Bureau of Investigation, said that if you are raped and can't stop it, you might as well lay back and enjoy it. He apologized, saying the usual "it was taken out of context" comments. I guess he doesn't realize that when he qualifies it that way, no woman anywhere is going to believe him.

I had a customer at the motorcycle shop I co-owned with my husband who told a rape joke that essentially ended with the same conclusion. His name was Mike and I think he was in his seventies, but still, what an idiot. It's in moments like these that I am thankful for the fact that I'm an honorable black belt. Because that honor was the only thing that kept me from jumping over my desk and performing the first 30 seconds or so of my black belt test on his face. But then, had I done so, I would have been no better than he was and I don't believe in beating up old men.

Many of us are survivors of sexual assault. To hear that an official charged with investigating rape said something like this demonstrates how rape culture filters throughout society, no matter where. In my case, that customer thought he was so special, telling that story. You know the kind who tell you a joke or a story as they take your leave. Thankfully, I never saw him again, and now that our business is over, I hope I never do. Because if I do, I'm going to bring up that story he told and explain to him how offensive it was. And yes, I'll use my words and not other parts of my body in the explanation. I hope his wife is there when I say these things. Wives never know how their husbands behave while out on their Harleys. She would be horrified. The crap I've witnessed would fill volumes.

Another customer, Roger, in September of 2007 came by the shop for something and as he was leaving, he shook my hand. Now Roger knew that we used to teach karate for a living and he also knew how ill I was. He shook my hand, gripping it so hard that he broke something in one of the fingers of my right hand. I knew something happened, but I didn't know for sure what it was. I was in such shock and in such pain that I just sat there. I always struggled with standing up for myself there because I felt that doing so would negatively affect our business. But Roger knew I had severe rheumatoid arthritis and that my hands were a mess. Shaking someone's hand is so automatic that I didn't think twice because no one..and I mean no one.. had ever gripped my hand that way. Most wouldn't even try to shake my hand..they could see what my hands looked like. They were swollen and at times I couldn't even hold a phone in my hand because gripping anything was difficult. But he did it. He didn't leave right away and tried to do it one more time before leaving again. I declined and he got a funny look on his face..kind of a half-smile. It was then that I was sure that he knew what he had done. I basically lost full use of that finger due to the swelling and pain. For most of the last six years, it's been that way and now there are at least five nodules that surround the joint. At least I can use it now. So that's something. I heard from some of his friends that he nearly knocked a woman down as he was going out of a door at a gas station and didn't even acknowledge he did so. His friends apologized profusely to her, but not him. In our system, we had techniques for aggressive handshakes. As ill as I was, however, I don't know how effective I would have been had I responded to what was clearly an attack on me. So environmental weaponry would probably have come into play. Kenpoists are nothing if not creative.

We're hearing a lot about rape culture these days. India has had it's fair share of criticism over how it views and then handles rape. Women are ridiculed and judged for something that is not their fault. Rape is a crime, after all. I read about a rape club in New Zealand that has been around destroying lives for the last two years or so. Why has nothing been done about these boys? Why are they being allowed to hurt girls this way?

Women are not the enemy, yet men continually see us that way. And don't even get me started on the women who fail other women. Traitors to the sisterhood, they are. We have a portion of Congress as well as GOP Governors who have begun a national war on women by the policies they introduce that oppress us and circumvent our constitutional rights. We have police who think nothing of doing roadside cavity searches for nonexistent drugs. We have police who arrest women for DUII and then film them as they're strip searched, doing God knows what with the video. And of course there's that stupid teacher who received a 30 day sentence for raping a 14 old student who subsequently committed suicide prior to his sentencing. The judge in the case should be removed from the bench and prosecuted for stupidity alone.
 
Lay back and enjoy it? Really? Do these idiots really think we're that stupid? We see what's going on in the world and how it affects us and our children. We see the lack of compassion and the downright bullying that's going on. Whether it's countries who gas their people, or it's our Tea Party controlled Congress who is doing all kinds of nefarious things to us, we know who you are. Because isn't the Tea Party essentially saying the same thing to all of us..lay back and enjoy it as they give the middle finger to us all? The incident in the restaurant parking lot in Texas the other day demonstrates this. Four women in a restaurant talking about ways to stop gun violence, versus forty men, so secure in their manhood, with guns. The world has gone insane.

How we regard people matters. It really begins and ends there. If we see others as holy and as brothers, we can't help but treat them well. Crimes like rape and other forms of assault would be anathema. We just couldn't bring ourselves to do it, let alone think about doing it. Rape culture is part of a broader mindset that is destructive and serves no one. A little compassion would be nice because #WomenNeverForget and we're #1BillionRising. Might want to think about that..



India’s Top Police Official: ‘If You Can’t Prevent Rape, You Enjoy It’ 

Another assault..

A guy rolls through a stop sign, gets pulled over, and his nightmare begins.. Supposedly he is observed by law enforcement to be "clenching" his buttocks. So of course..drugs!! Obviously he has a ton of something up there. A judge agreed and they set out in search for a demon (doctor) to comply. The first place they tried, the doctor had ethics and morals and said, no. He refused to stick his finger up this guys butt in search of god knows what. He said it was unethical. Ya think??

The next place, Gila Regional Medical Center in Silver City, was on board and then the torture began. X-rays showed no drugs. Two digital exams showed no drugs. The results of three enemas showed no drugs. The colonoscopy showed no drugs.


Let's assume the officers noticed some unreasonable clenching. Did it ever occur to anyone to stop after the first x-ray? This poor man had just come from Walmart..not a drug deal. I realize sometimes really bad people are caught during innocent traffic stops, but what on earth made these people join in this way? The police, in effect, assaulted this man by proxy. And for what? Everyone needs to be fired, prosecuted, found guilty, and sent to prison. It's the least we can do to them.

Clearly, this guy just rolled through a stop. And no matter how hard law enforcement, the judge, and the demons who did all of this tried to find something more, there was nothing more to find. A federal lawsuit has been filed and there's a link below to the article from 4 On Your Side that gives the gory details. These folks did a terrific job explaining the horror this man experienced at the hands of people who should know better..

4 On Your Side investigates traffic stop nightmare  

UPDATE: another guy came forward..from Think Progress Second New Mexico Man Reports Police Forced Anal Probe After Traffic Stop

Who do they think they are?

When did we start fearing the police? Okay, I know that's a naive question as any person of color can and will tell you. I mean, there's always been a certain amount of fear because of who they are and not all law enforcement personnel do the right thing - stop and frisk being one such example. But something is happening these days that's different. Women, for example, are being abused by the very people who are paid to protect and serve them. I saw a video of a Chicago woman arrested for DUII, blood around her on the floor in what appeared to be a jail cell. Apparently the mental giant (or police officer if you prefer) threw her against a concrete bench in the cell. All she wanted to do was call her children. Nice guy.

Then there was the story about the women who were abused by Texas law enforcement by forcing them to have a road-side cavity search because the smell of cannabis was detected that didn't actually exist. The trainee who did the search was a woman no less. Surely her training taught her that this isn't right, even if the fact that she's a woman did not.  Nevertheless, these women were abused and are now suing.

Women in Washington state apparently have to fear law enforcement there as well. I read that around two dozen women, when arrested for DUII, were forced to strip completely at the jail, while law enforcement personnel apparently filmed them. What are they doing with these videos?

Every day it seems that there's another report about law enforcement doing something we're not paying them to do. Who trains these people? The lawsuits must be getting expensive and you know they're only going to continue.

The militarization of law enforcement if particularly telling. Whether it's the DEA or local SWAT teams, it's not uncommon these days to have raids occur where people die and it's not even the correct location in the first place. The Feds don't help when they don't respect medical cannabis laws in states where this is legal. Neither does local law enforcement when they do the same.

Can we please go back to a time where things made sense? Where we could trust and rely on the police to protect us? And as far as that goes, it would be nice if our government would stay out of our lady parts as well. The whole thing is creepy.

And as for the military..who do you think you are? You honestly think you can investigate sexual assault among your own ranks? You've proven time and time again that you can't. It's time for you to step back and hang your collective heads in shame, particularly in view of the guys who have been reinstated after their convictions have been overturned by a higher ranking officer. I'd like a minute in a room alone with one of those so-called "higher ranking officers" to fully explain the error he made. I'm sure many women would like to do the same. My God..you're supposed to be defending us..not abusing us. And it's not only women who are assaulted. It's happening to men as well.

Something is very wrong here.. Things seem so backwards. We watched in horror at the beginning of this month when the Tea Party shut down the government all because they don't like the Affordable Care Act. They also don't understand the concept of the debt ceiling. Apparently it's okay to destroy the country's credit rating because the guy in the White House isn't the right color. Racism, along with other "isms", has stacked the deck against the American people and if we don't figure out what's going on and stop it, no telling what will happen to us. We must find our way back to each other and elevate our country to the lofty place it belongs. It's appropriate to care about each other. It's what we're supposed to do. The Ted Cruz's of this world have it wrong. We're better than this.

Stop comparing the Affordable Care Act to sexual assault.

Bill O'Reilly compared Obamacare to a vicious motorcycle gang coming after your daughter. The brothers Koch sponsored an anti-Obamacare ad that depicts an over-sized Uncle Sam with a speculum in hand, ready to do untold things to the college girl on the table. GOP governors are signing transvaginal ultrasound bills into law, because after all..freedom. They're also trying to circumvent a woman's constitutional right to have an abortion if she chooses. 

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?????

As a survivor of sexual assault, I take issue with these derelicts who equate anything that isn't sexual assault with anything that is. I'll be 56 in a few days. I live with what my father did every day of my life. It has controlled everything about me. In many ways it ruined my chance of ever having a normal life. But then, I don't know what normal looks like anyway. Now that he's dead, you'd think I could move on. But it doesn't work that way. These days, I take it a day at a time, sometimes a minute at a time. Because life goes on and you have to deal with all of it.

We need to be so careful when we compare one thing to another. Pennsylvania's Governor just compared gay marriage to incest. Trust me when I say that it's not. This idiot needs to be thrown out of office. Would he like me to explain the difference? Would he like details? Because if an incest survivor knows the difference between that and two gay people getting married and the Governor of Pennsylvania doesn't, then he shouldn't be allowed to govern anyone.

Go visit that Sandusky guy in jail. That's what a predator looks like. It's not the Affordable Care Act. The only predators there are the ones who are lying about it. You have to ask yourself, why? Why would anyone want people to suffer without health insurance? What's in it for them? Is it money? Is it power and control? Honestly, I don't care what it is. I just want it to stop. Life is tough enough. When lawmakers in Congress lie about our new health care law, all they do is hurt the very people who need it the most. This should be a criminal act. They should be arrested, prosecuted, and then thrown in prison. You don't lie to the American people about anything, but certainly not about a law that can actually enhance and protect their lives.

And for the love of all that is holy, stop stressing out survivors with this crap. We have enough to deal with. And there's a whole bunch of us out here. And guess what else.. We're consumers and voters. We can stop buying all kinds of things, stop watching all kinds of channels, begin voting for better legislators.

Yes. We. Can.

Life goes on..

It's interesting. Every time I either stand up for myself, or do what someone in authority tells me to do, I'm viewed as a bad person. It's as if as long as I'm doing everything that everyone else wants, then I'm a good person. If I say no to something, I'm not. How is that even possible? Or fair?

And the retaliation is awful. Because they always retaliate. My father (abuser) dies and as one of the beneficiaries, I'm given account numbers that my brother and I are beneficiaries on so that I can arrange for their disbursement. I did that. Then, wouldn't you know it, I received more account numbers from another bank. It's funny because I don't remember being told about them by my abuser's wife's family member who called me to give me the initial account numbers. I seem to remember getting the additional account numbers from my brother who found out when the bank sent him some paperwork on those accounts. Until then, he had no idea that they even existed. And according to my brother, my abuser's wife didn't appear happy that he knew about them. But I wasn't there, so I don't know if that was true or not. After all, he had a different relationship with him and was pretty upset about losing his father. But then he didn't do the things to my brother that he did to me. So I contacted that bank, did what they asked and the funds were disbursed to me and my brother. Now I'm the bad guy for doing so. And now my abuser's wife is sending me his medical bills to pay. 

What I'd like to know is where is his will? I'm fairly certain that he had one. Who gets his personal possessions? I don't want any of them, but I know my brother would like to have something. Why do women get involved with men later in life, believing only what they tell them about themselves? Did she ever wonder why I had no contact with him? She's a mother. Didn't she suspect? I would have.

Well, I'm not going to pay anything and she has no right to ask for this. I had no contact with him for good reason. I wasn't safe around him. He had an arsenal that he used to intimidate and threaten me and my mother with. And where is that arsenal now? It was worth a fortune. I asked my brother and he doesn't know. Again, I don't want the arsenal. I want nothing other than what I've already received. I had no idea I was receiving anything and I had no idea my name was on any accounts. I had no contact with him. I had no choice there. He terrified me. And on July 2, when he died, I was finally safe. Survivors understand this. I'm sorry my abuser's wife can't. Instead, she's angry at, and punishes, his victim. I don't get this. He should have gone to prison for what he did. And she wants to punish ME?

I don't wish ill on my abuser's wife. I don't know her. I've never met her. And although I know my abuser could talk his way into and out of anything including a marriage (he's been married a bunch of times), I want nothing to do with anyone who has made a conscious decision to have something to do with him. I can't trust people who do this. I don't know if his past wives were unaware of who and what he was, but I can't take that chance that they were. He destroyed my chance at a healthy life. 

And on July 2, 2013, after 55 terrifying years, I took that chance back. So there you have it.

About that WaPo opinion piece...

An interesting opinion piece appeared in the Washington Post on August 30 by Betsy Karasik, a former lawyer. She was writing about her views on the Montana case where a teacher and student engaged in a supposedly consensual sexual relationship. The teenaged victim committed suicide in 2010, and the teacher was recently sentenced to 30 days in jail for what he did. My last blog post was my own response to the judge's ruling. I believe he should resign. He refuses to do so. So there you have it.

And now my attempt at highlighting and responding to what she wrote. Apologies if I screw up. I'm really trying to get this right. And I'll try not to let my own agenda make me snarky. Because I do have an agenda and I can get really snarky when I'm upset. 

Ms. Karasik believes that not every sexual encounter between students and teachers should be called rape. She does believe that they should lose their jobs and not get them back until they can prove they are not going to engage in that type of behavior anymore. She believes that teenage girls think about sex as much or more as do boys at that age. She recounts how she knew people in high school and college who had sexual relationships with teachers and no one, as she put it, "died". She stated further that sexual contact between students and teachers is not so cut and dried as we'd like to believe and that viewing all of it the same way only creates further problems such as students being reluctant to report problems if all this drama results when they do. Although she does state that something has to happen to teachers who offend this way, the criminal justice system is not the place because it results in too much shame for the victim. She calls what happened, "underage sex" and draws a distinction between that and statutory rape. 

Okay. 

I was also a teenage girl. And yes, I was sexually active during high school. I was also attracted to various teachers in high school and college. And here's the thing about college. I was 16 when I began and 20 when I graduated. I did not act on my attraction to older guys in high school, but I did in college and one was a teacher, and the other was the head of the department. I agree with her assessment about those experiences not ruining my life, but did I do all that because I was ready, or because I was a survivor of sexual abuse? Do we know if the girl was a survivor before this happened? If she was, would this fact influence Ms. Karasik's view? If every child targeted by teachers were also survivors would it be okay to charge the teacher with rape then?

Okay, deep breath..

I didn't report what happened to me because I feared for my life. How does Ms. Karasik know that high school girls aren't facing the same thing with these so-called "consensual" relationships? And as far as calling this "underage sex", that was always reserved for kids..not kids and teachers. If it's an adult, it's not underage sex. It's an adult having sex with a child. I don't really care if we call it something else as long as the teacher does jail time for it. Rehab doesn't work for these people.

Ms. Karasik admonishes against painting situations like these with a broad brush, that not every encounter should be viewed the same way. I agree with her to a point. The problem I have with that view is she doesn't take into account the background of the girls who this happens to. What if these girls have already been abused and are only approaching these teachers because of their own boundary issues created from that abuse? I agree that high school girls are far more aware than even I was in the 70's, but still, they deserve protection from teachers who target and abuse them. Consent flies right out the window when it's someone not in your peer group. And if teachers can't figure this out, then they need to go away. Permanently. They should never be allowed to teach again.

Oh, and about that shame thing.. I know something about shame. I agree that the system makes things difficult if not impossible for victims. So change that. But to not incarcerate these idiots makes a mockery of what victims go through. And here's another thing about those of us who this happens to. Our views can change about the experience as we mature. We may be fine about it when it happens, but then later, as we become adults and mothers, we see just how risky it all was. And then we wish that teacher would have had cared enough to stop us instead of viewing it as playtime.

As far as something other than incarceration so that the victim isn't traumatized, I don't understand that at all. And the reference to religious leaders and politicians not keeping their pants on as justification for expecting the same from teachers is odd. Why appeal to the lowest common denominator? Why not use this as a teachable moment? If the teenage girl is upset that her "boyfriend" is being put in jail, then maybe it's time to explain what actually happened to her. That he's not her "boyfriend", but her teacher. That he used his position of authority and her youthful inexperience to fulfill his own needs. We shouldn't accept boundary violations from anyone. And we should never point the finger at all the problem children out there posing as adults to justify the rest of this nonsense. Just because someone else behaves badly, it now excuses everyone else's bad behavior? Really? We shouldn't have standards? 

Maybe there should be a different set of laws when high school aged kids are involved. Maybe it should be, as Ms. Karasik suggests, more "nuanced". But we have to draw the line somewhere. Predators groom their victims. Teachers have the perfect opportunity to do this. I watched my father, my abuser, be inappropriate with my friends. He was a teacher. He had to leave his teaching position when dozens of letters from parents and students poured into the school district, complaining about his inappropriate comments and behavior. I have no idea if he put his hands on anyone because he never was arrested. He's dead now. So there's that. We're all safe now.

This is, in some ways, a complicated issue. But then, it's not. The saying is, between two consenting adults. It's not, between a consenting adult and a consenting child. A child cannot give consent. Ever. There are problems with the system, to be sure. But a child giving consent isn't one of them. We must protect our children. Incarcerating these predators is necessary. They won't stop, so we must stop them. There should be no exceptions to this. To feel sorry for the teacher in question is misplaced. He should have known better. He's an adult. She was 14. And now she's dead. 

UPDATE:  Jessica Valenti wrote an article in The Nation about this issue..well worth a read:  http://www.thenation.com/blog/175991/acting-older-isnt-being-older-how-we-fail-young-rape-victims#

Judge Baugh MUST resign.

I listened to Melissa Harris-Perry as she read her letter to G.Todd Baugh, the judge in Montana who stupidly blamed the 14 year old child for her teacher raping her. Although he subsequently apologized for his misogynistic statements, his apology appears to be falling on deaf ears. Instead of sentencing the rapist to a minimum of two years as the law provided, the rapist was ultimately given 30 days. Judge Baugh said that the teenager was "older than her chronological age" as justification when he sentenced her rapist to 15 years, and then suspended that to 30 days. Before she was 18, the child victim committed suicide.

As both an incest survivor and a mother, this makes me insane. Montana law states that anyone under the age of 16 cannot consent to sex with an adult. She was 14, for God's sake. How could she consent? She can't. And while the judge believes he should be, in his words, "chastised", he refuses to resign from the bench. 

Judge Baugh's resignation should be the least of what happens to him. This girl committed suicide in 2010, after which the prosecutors said they would drop the charges if the rapist entered a treatment program. Treatment program. Right. Like that's going to help. Rehab has become the way criminals avoid incarceration. Go to rehab, avoid jail. What rehab exists for this child, or her family? What exists to help them avoid the pain and the permanent incarceration of their souls? The system failed them. The judge failed them. And an innocent child is dead.

We don't think right about sexual abuse and its consequences. The fact that the child committed suicide as a result of her abuse should have resulted in more jail time for her rapist, not less. Had she not taken her own life, her emotional and psychological future would still have been in jeopardy. 

Any child who experiences sexual abuse has a difficult time in adulthood, no matter if she is believed or not, or has had therapy or not. It's the same thing as the PTSD our soldiers suffer from. I didn't go into therapy until I was 39 years old, after my mother died. I only told my husband and my boys a few years before that. Sexual assault destroys you. To live with that kind of fear, particularly when it's a parent responsible for the abuse, is beyond terrifying. I only began breathing easier on July 2nd of this year, when my father died. I'll be 56 in October and what he did to me has governed everything about me.

I have spent most of my life trying to survive in the midst of abuse reactions. First of all, I fear everything and everyone. I don't let on to anyone that I feel this way, but I do. Doesn't matter if anyone is doing anything wrong, there's still this underlying terror that sits inside me. And yes, it gets in the way. All the time.

I don't like it when anyone impedes me from doing something. Simple things, like my husband putting his arms around me while I'm doing the dishes for example can completely freak me out. Now that he knows what's going on, he tries not to do that anymore. Other survivors report the same thing. Never come up behind a survivor and prevent her escape. Most people never understand they're doing that because it's not their intention. But if you're standing between me and a way out, I become terrified. I can know with complete certainty that you're not doing anything to hurt me. It doesn't matter. I'm still terrified. But you won't know that.

Motherhood is interesting when you're a survivor. I tend to people-please and I never want to be in a position of not believing someone who is telling the truth. Enter my boys. Gifted and articulate, they could plead their cases with aplomb. So who to believe. Sometimes I would send both to their rooms, and then apologize for doing so. Fortunately, they didn't manipulate me during these times. They knew I was struggling. 

There were times I couldn't answer the telephone when it was ringing (before caller ID), because I was terrified it would be my father. I would stand in front of the telephone, shaking, tears streaming down my face. Then one of the boys would approach me and ask if I wanted him to answer the phone. Sometimes I would let them, and sometimes I wouldn't. After all, I'm their mother. It's my job to protect them. It's not their job to protect me.

I finally told my father what I experience when I hear his voice. He called the business we owned at the time and although I was in a panic attack, I knew I had to speak to him.  I took the phone from my husband and told my father just what I was feeling at that moment. I told him that whenever I hear his voice, I can't speak, I can't breathe, I feel like I'm going to die. I told him then that he cannot call me anymore. But that didn't stop him and his umpteenth wife from doing it again. That time, my husband spoke to my father's wife on the phone, and told her in no uncertain terms that he would not allow them to see me. That was several years ago. 

Now that my abuser is dead, I'm safe.  He had an arsenal and never let any of us forget that fact. But I can talk about it now without worrying what he will do to me. Cannabis helps with my PTSD issues and I'm glad Oregon is allowing that as a qualifying condition now. Survivors need access to something that's safe and effective when coping gets dicey. Believe me, our veterans are thrilled at this new policy change as well. They need it as much as we do.

Survivors just try to survive. That's what we do. It all may seem odd to someone who hasn't experienced this. People may think that since it's not happening anymore, we should just let it go. As if we could. When the judicial system in all its forms doesn't support us, then our last line of defense is gone. Judge Baugh can engage in all the revisionist history he wants. He can't un-ring that destructive bell. He can't bring back that child. He must atone. He must resign and take his good ol' boy attitude with him.

Here is Melissa's letter to the judge. And this is an article I read in Huffington Post.

UPDATE: This is a link to a Think Progress article talking about Judge Baugh reconsidering the 30 day sentence. "Judge Who Sentenced 14-Year-Old’s Rapist To 30 Days In Prison Decides This Sentence Was Illegal"

UPDATE:  The predator is apparently going to be released today.. Just great.

Wow, Sanjay!

I have to confess, I've always liked Sanjay Gupta. I remember something about him assisting in brain surgery with the Devil Dogs in Kuwait or somewhere over there. He was there as a journalist I guess, but it didn't matter. And it was cool to see his focus change and go into doctor mode. Only the patient mattered at that point. That told me something about him. Someone was in need and he could help. And he did. I was surprised that he wrote the article he did about cannabis. It seemed too rote. Too much the party line. And then we discovered that he's been busy doing some research and put together a documentary on cannabis.

Wow. How huge is that!

After watching it, I can honestly say, it's pretty huge. Good for him. And he didn't shy away from the tough issues regarding children. Except they really aren't tough issues at all. Of course we don't want children smoking cannabis. But there's clearly nothing wrong with giving children ingested forms such as tincture or oil when they have conditions that improve no other way. Autism, seizures, cancer.. all are helped if not cured with cannabis. Why wouldn't we give this to our children. Some have little time. They can't wait until adulthood. I mean, we love them, don't we?

I tearfully watched Chaz Moore become instantly better after a hit off a pipe. He was able to speak clearly. I know first hand how cannabis can stop muscle spasms. I used to have incapacitating muscle spasms when my RA was so severe and one or two hits off of a pipe would immediately stop them. I understand that feeling when the pain goes away, and the ability to function normally returns. There's nothing like it. To have no hope. And then you do.

I loved the segment in Israel. Those folks have been at the forefront of cannabis research forever. Their government gets what ours refuses to see. Cannabis has medicinal value and to not research that is just stupid. The patient using the Volcano vaporizer got immediate relief from nausea from his chemo treatments. Can you imagine when they stop using chemo and begin using oil instead? It's coming. Primarily because none of us will shut up about it.

But the Holocaust survivor using cannabis for his PTSD as well as other ailments affected me the most. As an survivor of sexual assault I too use cannabis for my own PTSD. Traumatic events change people whether they're continual or sporadic or only one time. It doesn't matter. Cannabis helps me not dwell. It helps me not have abuse reactions. It helps me stay present in the moment, instead of somewhere else destructive. It helps me stay in control. It frees me to be creative and joyful.

We need the lies to stop and the truth to come out. It's emotional for those of us who have had our lives changed by cannabis. There's hope for healing with this amazing plant. Hope that just doesn't seem to exist in the same way with other treatments. Compounds in cannabis apparently kill cancer by either killing the tumor outright, or by destroying the blood supply to the tumor. Without that, the tumor evidently dies on its own. There are people who use cannabis oil to treat their cancer and survive. And they do so without the damaging effects of chemo or radiation. 

I am more healthy now than I have ever been in my life. That wouldn't have happened without cannabis. I still have RA, but it's finally under control. I'm blessed to live in a progressive state that legalized medical cannabis in 1998. I became a patient in 2010 at a time when I was so sick that I thought I wouldn't survive. I was in an excruciating flare that would last over a year. At times I was nearly incapacitated. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. So I contacted the THC Foundation and after they reviewed my medical records, they gave me an appointment. I saw the doctor and was approved for the card. I read everything I could find on treating RA with cannabis. We grew the plants; I made the medicine. I made tincture and capsules with cannabis infused coconut oil. And I got better..quickly. And you know, some days it's hard to remember just how sick I was. 

So thanks, Sanjay.. and keep researching. A weekly show with your findings would also be nice!

More Roadside Cavity Searches in Texas???

Mercy sakes. What the hell is going on in Texas? Why are cops doing cavity searches on women by the side of the road? I read yesterday, that a female cop who did this was reinstated on the force because the powers that be decided that in view of the fact that she's a trainee, it was the responsibility of her training officer to stop her from doing the cavity search.

SHE'S A WOMAN. SHE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.

I don't care if she was a trainee. She needs to lose her job along with her idiot training officer. Does anyone take responsibility for their actions anymore? What difference does it make if she was a trainee? Don't we want our police officers to have the intelligence to think for themselves? If she can't figure this one out without someone else telling her what to do, then she shouldn't be trusted to protect and serve. Because this doesn't serve the public at all. This was a criminal act. Just like in the military. It's no different.

Let's recap a little.. Texas has a problem respecting women. Whether it's the legislature, the governor, or law enforcement, for whatever reason, women are being targeted by abusive behavior. A woman's right to be safe from harm is being systematically destroyed by this state. But they're not alone in this effort. It's almost as if some of these conservative controlled states are vying for the most abusive state award. Their behavior is reckless and destructive.

Do we really need to have 50 states in our union? Secession is looking pretty good at this point. 

Really, Senator McCain?

So I just read an article from Think Progress (link to great article about an idiot) about a letter John McCain wrote in response to a situation involving sexual harassment and rape at a college in Montana. He is apparently siding with an organization called The Foundation for Individual Rights in Education that apparently believes that DOJ overstepped and may be in violation of the First Amendment when they along with the university came up with some guidelines to help with the problem. Oh good Lord. So they get to harass and assault us in an effort to preserve their First Amendment rights? And a long-serving Senator is on board with this?

Since when does someone's right to free speech come before my right to be safe and respected? All the agreement that was made between the university and DOJ did was try to make sure that anyone who felt harassed was given an opportunity to say so. It doesn't mean that they're right in their complaint. It just means that there is a means by which students can report situations that they're uncomfortable with. It doesn't mean that anyone is going to jail, or getting expelled from college.

The need to report, speak up, or confront, and then be taken seriously, is so essential for anyone who has experienced these things. I know, because I have experienced all of these things. It's awful. I just love it when I speak up, and the guy gets even more intense and disgusting. They never seem to understand that they're in the wrong, and that they've overstepped into sexual harassment. And it always seems to be the guys who you'd never expect it from. So anything to help students who experience harassment or worse is worth it.

You know, I'm so sorry that men out there cannot seem to understand that this crap is rampant and women are so tired of it. We just want to go about our lives feeling that we can do that without being bothered by men who apparently believe they're God's gift or something. Because guess what..you're not.

There's a link in the article to the questionable Senator's letter. I have this thing where I hear the voice of the writer or of a character in a novel (like Morgan Freeman will ALWAYS be Alex Cross - I'm so sorry Tyler Perry) and I can't stand the Senator's voice, so I'm not going to go through it line by line. Besides, I'm sure by then my head will have exploded and I still have yard work to do ;-)

I'm safe now...

My father died today. I had no relationship with him because of how he treated me growing up. He was a condescending, creepy guy. My friends were creeped out by him. My husband and kids were creeped out by him. Everyone I knew was. He was a schoolteacher and they didn't like him either.

I guess they knew without knowing. Or maybe they did. He molested me. He was inappropriate to my friends and apparently his students. He was married so many times that I lost count. My mother was possibly his third wife. He's been married more than ten times I believe. One woman's daughter was so distraught over their marriage that she insisted that I be his executor and she be her mother's. She wanted everything kept separate. I never met those people. I only know two of my step mothers. Never met anyone else. Never wanted to. And I don't know the current one. I do feel bad for her though. I'm sure she's upset and traumatized.

I hope he didn't cause too much trouble in the lives of all his women. He caused enough in our family to last a lifetime. I remember he was so drunk from the night out before one afternoon, that he was still drunk after being at school all day. We were having dinner in the kitchen and milk was running down his chin. I guess I must have looked at him funny - after all, he looked ridiculous - because I thought he was going to come over the table at me. I was either 15 or 16 then. 16 I think. So it would have been my junior/senior year in high school. Overachiever that I am, I did high school in three years and then graduated from college at 20. That happens to people like me. We kill ourselves so that maybe we'll be acceptable somehow. Anyway, it was a really awful moment. When I graduated from high school, I went looking for an apartment for my mother, brother and myself. I found two, took my mother to see them both and told her that we either moved out, or I was going to. So we moved. Just like that. And my asshole of a father followed her home from work one day to see where we were living. I remember that day vividly. I hated him. Their divorce was  final 6 months later and she only asked for $200 per month child support. She had a daughter starting college, and a son who was profoundly deaf. Right. He threatened her. He said, I will pay you more if you let me live. The judge was astonished, and asked her, are you sure? My mother said, yes, she was sure.

I guess my brother worked things out with him before he died, but it was awful knowing that he was embarrassed to have a deaf son. And he stupidly conveyed that to my brother at one point.  It was shameful. And my brother didn't deserve that from his own father.

But that's all done. He can't ever hurt anyone ever again.

I'm safe now.