That stupid Koch brothers' Obamacare ad..

So just when I think the Koch brothers couldn't go any lower, they do with this ridiculous ad that suggests that Obamacare is like being sexually assaulted by your government. I'd love a couple of minutes with these two pathetic excuses for human beings, let alone men, to tell them what I think of them. But there's no point. They're old now. If they can't understand why this was offensive and cruel, then they're idiots to begin with. Talking to them will solve nothing and will change nothing. 

But I'm going to say it anyway. No. Obamacare is not like being sexually assaulted by your government. I'm a sexual assault survivor and I should know. Trust me. Those of us who are, know the difference. To even suggest this is beyond over the top. They have gone too far here. Too far.

Did they think it was funny? Because it's not. It's creepy and sick. Like they are. To try to scare college aged women from buying insurance that can help them stay well is shameful. They should be embarrassed. But they're not. They're liars. Where are the parents? Are letters pouring in to the Koch brothers' offices? Are parents protesting outside their homes? How dare they intrude in our children's lives this way, presenting lies in a way that only confuses the issue.

I know what it's like to be sick while attending college. I spent a year and a half being so ill that I probably shouldn't have even been there. I had very little money to live on and I couldn't take proper care of myself. My parents didn't care what I was going through. I remember when I wanted to take a summer off and just work instead of doing both and my mother imploded. So they didn't help me at all, but what I did have was their health insurance. Without that, no telling what would have happened to me. It was court ordered due to my parents' divorce. Otherwise, I would have had nothing. 

I watched that ad in disbelief. When it became apparent that this was rape oriented, I became so nauseous that I nearly threw up. Here's the thing. No matter how we're assaulted, the experience stays with us forever. In my case, I'm an incest survivor. All I could see while watching that commercial was my perpetrator's face. If that's what I saw, can you imagine how other survivors reacted? Can you imagine the terror? I can. Because I felt it. And I haven't been calm since.

There is something seriously wrong with the people who made this ad. It never should have been allowed to be shown. What they're doing to innocent survivors is horrific. We've been through enough. We don't need to see stuff like this. I don't care who doesn't like the Affordable Care Act. I would have preferred single-payer. Can you imagine the ads they would have run if that had happened?

These scumbags used rape to sell a lie. And if people believe that lie, they will suffer for it. And why this isn't a criminal act is beyond me. So sorry you can't handle a black guy as our president. He's more intelligent than you; he's more savvy; he's more compassionate. Most importantly, he's a father. He actually understands what it means to BE a father. Get over it. He won twice. He's all the things you aren't and never will be. And if we're lucky, we'll keep moving in this inclusive direction and the bad guys will never be in power again. 

Because that's what all of this is. All this upheaval. The war on women, on cannabis, on children, on seniors, on the poor, add any name you want..it's all about the last vestiges of what is passing for conservatism these days. It's all about lying for the purposes of regaining control. They're evidently not satisfied with the drama they've created, they want more. Well, we're tired of it. A week from now, we'll find out if the idiots are going to cause the government to shut down. And if it does shut down, what then? Will we point our fingers at the appropriate people? Or will we enable it for the next time?

Life goes on..

It's interesting. Every time I either stand up for myself, or do what someone in authority tells me to do, I'm viewed as a bad person. It's as if as long as I'm doing everything that everyone else wants, then I'm a good person. If I say no to something, I'm not. How is that even possible? Or fair?

And the retaliation is awful. Because they always retaliate. My father (abuser) dies and as one of the beneficiaries, I'm given account numbers that my brother and I are beneficiaries on so that I can arrange for their disbursement. I did that. Then, wouldn't you know it, I received more account numbers from another bank. It's funny because I don't remember being told about them by my abuser's wife's family member who called me to give me the initial account numbers. I seem to remember getting the additional account numbers from my brother who found out when the bank sent him some paperwork on those accounts. Until then, he had no idea that they even existed. And according to my brother, my abuser's wife didn't appear happy that he knew about them. But I wasn't there, so I don't know if that was true or not. After all, he had a different relationship with him and was pretty upset about losing his father. But then he didn't do the things to my brother that he did to me. So I contacted that bank, did what they asked and the funds were disbursed to me and my brother. Now I'm the bad guy for doing so. And now my abuser's wife is sending me his medical bills to pay. 

What I'd like to know is where is his will? I'm fairly certain that he had one. Who gets his personal possessions? I don't want any of them, but I know my brother would like to have something. Why do women get involved with men later in life, believing only what they tell them about themselves? Did she ever wonder why I had no contact with him? She's a mother. Didn't she suspect? I would have.

Well, I'm not going to pay anything and she has no right to ask for this. I had no contact with him for good reason. I wasn't safe around him. He had an arsenal that he used to intimidate and threaten me and my mother with. And where is that arsenal now? It was worth a fortune. I asked my brother and he doesn't know. Again, I don't want the arsenal. I want nothing other than what I've already received. I had no idea I was receiving anything and I had no idea my name was on any accounts. I had no contact with him. I had no choice there. He terrified me. And on July 2, when he died, I was finally safe. Survivors understand this. I'm sorry my abuser's wife can't. Instead, she's angry at, and punishes, his victim. I don't get this. He should have gone to prison for what he did. And she wants to punish ME?

I don't wish ill on my abuser's wife. I don't know her. I've never met her. And although I know my abuser could talk his way into and out of anything including a marriage (he's been married a bunch of times), I want nothing to do with anyone who has made a conscious decision to have something to do with him. I can't trust people who do this. I don't know if his past wives were unaware of who and what he was, but I can't take that chance that they were. He destroyed my chance at a healthy life. 

And on July 2, 2013, after 55 terrifying years, I took that chance back. So there you have it.

Judge Baugh MUST resign.

I listened to Melissa Harris-Perry as she read her letter to G.Todd Baugh, the judge in Montana who stupidly blamed the 14 year old child for her teacher raping her. Although he subsequently apologized for his misogynistic statements, his apology appears to be falling on deaf ears. Instead of sentencing the rapist to a minimum of two years as the law provided, the rapist was ultimately given 30 days. Judge Baugh said that the teenager was "older than her chronological age" as justification when he sentenced her rapist to 15 years, and then suspended that to 30 days. Before she was 18, the child victim committed suicide.

As both an incest survivor and a mother, this makes me insane. Montana law states that anyone under the age of 16 cannot consent to sex with an adult. She was 14, for God's sake. How could she consent? She can't. And while the judge believes he should be, in his words, "chastised", he refuses to resign from the bench. 

Judge Baugh's resignation should be the least of what happens to him. This girl committed suicide in 2010, after which the prosecutors said they would drop the charges if the rapist entered a treatment program. Treatment program. Right. Like that's going to help. Rehab has become the way criminals avoid incarceration. Go to rehab, avoid jail. What rehab exists for this child, or her family? What exists to help them avoid the pain and the permanent incarceration of their souls? The system failed them. The judge failed them. And an innocent child is dead.

We don't think right about sexual abuse and its consequences. The fact that the child committed suicide as a result of her abuse should have resulted in more jail time for her rapist, not less. Had she not taken her own life, her emotional and psychological future would still have been in jeopardy. 

Any child who experiences sexual abuse has a difficult time in adulthood, no matter if she is believed or not, or has had therapy or not. It's the same thing as the PTSD our soldiers suffer from. I didn't go into therapy until I was 39 years old, after my mother died. I only told my husband and my boys a few years before that. Sexual assault destroys you. To live with that kind of fear, particularly when it's a parent responsible for the abuse, is beyond terrifying. I only began breathing easier on July 2nd of this year, when my father died. I'll be 56 in October and what he did to me has governed everything about me.

I have spent most of my life trying to survive in the midst of abuse reactions. First of all, I fear everything and everyone. I don't let on to anyone that I feel this way, but I do. Doesn't matter if anyone is doing anything wrong, there's still this underlying terror that sits inside me. And yes, it gets in the way. All the time.

I don't like it when anyone impedes me from doing something. Simple things, like my husband putting his arms around me while I'm doing the dishes for example can completely freak me out. Now that he knows what's going on, he tries not to do that anymore. Other survivors report the same thing. Never come up behind a survivor and prevent her escape. Most people never understand they're doing that because it's not their intention. But if you're standing between me and a way out, I become terrified. I can know with complete certainty that you're not doing anything to hurt me. It doesn't matter. I'm still terrified. But you won't know that.

Motherhood is interesting when you're a survivor. I tend to people-please and I never want to be in a position of not believing someone who is telling the truth. Enter my boys. Gifted and articulate, they could plead their cases with aplomb. So who to believe. Sometimes I would send both to their rooms, and then apologize for doing so. Fortunately, they didn't manipulate me during these times. They knew I was struggling. 

There were times I couldn't answer the telephone when it was ringing (before caller ID), because I was terrified it would be my father. I would stand in front of the telephone, shaking, tears streaming down my face. Then one of the boys would approach me and ask if I wanted him to answer the phone. Sometimes I would let them, and sometimes I wouldn't. After all, I'm their mother. It's my job to protect them. It's not their job to protect me.

I finally told my father what I experience when I hear his voice. He called the business we owned at the time and although I was in a panic attack, I knew I had to speak to him.  I took the phone from my husband and told my father just what I was feeling at that moment. I told him that whenever I hear his voice, I can't speak, I can't breathe, I feel like I'm going to die. I told him then that he cannot call me anymore. But that didn't stop him and his umpteenth wife from doing it again. That time, my husband spoke to my father's wife on the phone, and told her in no uncertain terms that he would not allow them to see me. That was several years ago. 

Now that my abuser is dead, I'm safe.  He had an arsenal and never let any of us forget that fact. But I can talk about it now without worrying what he will do to me. Cannabis helps with my PTSD issues and I'm glad Oregon is allowing that as a qualifying condition now. Survivors need access to something that's safe and effective when coping gets dicey. Believe me, our veterans are thrilled at this new policy change as well. They need it as much as we do.

Survivors just try to survive. That's what we do. It all may seem odd to someone who hasn't experienced this. People may think that since it's not happening anymore, we should just let it go. As if we could. When the judicial system in all its forms doesn't support us, then our last line of defense is gone. Judge Baugh can engage in all the revisionist history he wants. He can't un-ring that destructive bell. He can't bring back that child. He must atone. He must resign and take his good ol' boy attitude with him.

Here is Melissa's letter to the judge. And this is an article I read in Huffington Post.

UPDATE: This is a link to a Think Progress article talking about Judge Baugh reconsidering the 30 day sentence. "Judge Who Sentenced 14-Year-Old’s Rapist To 30 Days In Prison Decides This Sentence Was Illegal"

UPDATE:  The predator is apparently going to be released today.. Just great.

I'm safe now...

My father died today. I had no relationship with him because of how he treated me growing up. He was a condescending, creepy guy. My friends were creeped out by him. My husband and kids were creeped out by him. Everyone I knew was. He was a schoolteacher and they didn't like him either.

I guess they knew without knowing. Or maybe they did. He molested me. He was inappropriate to my friends and apparently his students. He was married so many times that I lost count. My mother was possibly his third wife. He's been married more than ten times I believe. One woman's daughter was so distraught over their marriage that she insisted that I be his executor and she be her mother's. She wanted everything kept separate. I never met those people. I only know two of my step mothers. Never met anyone else. Never wanted to. And I don't know the current one. I do feel bad for her though. I'm sure she's upset and traumatized.

I hope he didn't cause too much trouble in the lives of all his women. He caused enough in our family to last a lifetime. I remember he was so drunk from the night out before one afternoon, that he was still drunk after being at school all day. We were having dinner in the kitchen and milk was running down his chin. I guess I must have looked at him funny - after all, he looked ridiculous - because I thought he was going to come over the table at me. I was either 15 or 16 then. 16 I think. So it would have been my junior/senior year in high school. Overachiever that I am, I did high school in three years and then graduated from college at 20. That happens to people like me. We kill ourselves so that maybe we'll be acceptable somehow. Anyway, it was a really awful moment. When I graduated from high school, I went looking for an apartment for my mother, brother and myself. I found two, took my mother to see them both and told her that we either moved out, or I was going to. So we moved. Just like that. And my asshole of a father followed her home from work one day to see where we were living. I remember that day vividly. I hated him. Their divorce was  final 6 months later and she only asked for $200 per month child support. She had a daughter starting college, and a son who was profoundly deaf. Right. He threatened her. He said, I will pay you more if you let me live. The judge was astonished, and asked her, are you sure? My mother said, yes, she was sure.

I guess my brother worked things out with him before he died, but it was awful knowing that he was embarrassed to have a deaf son. And he stupidly conveyed that to my brother at one point.  It was shameful. And my brother didn't deserve that from his own father.

But that's all done. He can't ever hurt anyone ever again.

I'm safe now.