When we cannot tell..

I believe you. Three powerful words that mean everything to a survivor.

Dylan Farrow wrote a letter that was published in Nic Kristof's blog at the New York Times recounting her sexual abuse by her step-father. Everyone knows who he is, so I won't mention his name. I refer to my own abuser by his first name, and not by dad, because he doesn't deserve that title. No father does, step or otherwise.

Some famous people have come out and made their comments. I suppose they're entitled to that just as I am. But I have to say, if this is true, their comments are devastating, particularly from the women. So here's what it's like..

We don't tell because no one will believe us. Or at least we think they won't. Sometimes, as in my case, the abuser has weapons. I knew better that to say anything. I had the conversation with my mother when I was nine, and she told me to never mind. I stood there, dumbfounded. It was then that I knew she was on board with abuse. Dylan's mother believed her. As she should. No one should have to hear what my mother said. No one should have to know she's completely alone.

I knew that if I told anyone, and I came close many times, that my abuser would kill me. Simple as that. He had an arsenal at his disposal, and I knew my name was on every gun in that closet. It was only a matter of time. Throughout my childhood, I had set up an elaborate escape plan that included suicide if necessary. I spent most of my life in my room, afraid of what would happen if I came out. When we moved to Oregon, he began going out to bars at night. I could come out when he left. Since he was a teacher, he got home early each day. We'd have dinner, where all kinds of nonsense would occur, and then he'd leave for the bar. He would close the place, so a sense of calm would return in his absence. But then, he'd come home. 

His co-conspirator, my mother, finally got fed up enough that she went to the bar, walked in, told him she was taking his car, came home, packed it with his clothing and waited. He arrived, the fight ensued, and he began taking her things out of the closet, throwing them out on the front lawn. I called the police, telling them if he started hitting her, he wouldn't stop, so the police arrived. Lots of them. There were ten cars there when we left, and five more were coming, lights active on all of them. It was around 3 am. The neighbors were awake and watching.

She didn't leave him.

It took until I graduated from high school for her to leave. I graduated at the end of my junior year because that's what we sometimes do..we overachieve in an effort to keep the abuser away. If we're better, then maybe it won't happen. If we're smarter, then maybe it won't happen. If we're just better..

I found the apartment we would live in. I took her and my brother to see it and she rented it immediately. We moved within days, while he was at work. He found us three weeks later by following her home from work.

The last abuse happened when I was ten. It happened on the trip down to Oregon from Alaska. My mother forced me to go with him so he wouldn't be alone. She and my brother took an airplane. Lucky them.

Throughout my childhood, I tried to manage everything. I tried to manage my mother's feelings and behavior, and when that didn't work, I managed my way out. Still, her love was conditional on what I could do for her and since I left, her presence was there only upon my initiation. When she died, I was the one who took care of everything. Because that's what we do. We give ourselves away with emptiness in return. When my abuser died last year, his wife continued the pressure by sending me all of his death bills. I don't know this woman..I've never met her..yet she thinks I'm responsible for her husband's medical bills. This went on for four months. It seems to have ended. She evidently couldn't figure out why a daughter wouldn't want to see her father, or why his grandchildren don't see him either. They were married for less than ten years. You'd think she'd have questioned..instead she married a pedophile.

So, for everyone out there who wants to support Dylan's step-father instead of Dylan, just stop. Or if you can't, don't support him publicly. If you cannot stand with Dylan, then keep it to yourself. She took such a risk coming out this way and sharing her experience. The only people who know what happened are Dylan and this man. These are not trivial experiences. They're life changing. No matter what peace you're able to make, you're changed forever. You don't tell to get even. You tell because you have to. You tell because you'll explode if you don't. You tell because you want to scream from everywhere that he's not what you think he is. He's a predator.

You tell because at some point, you have to matter, even if only to yourself. When people question your motives, or your timing, or whatever other ridiculous thing they want to say, it destroys you just a little more. It's hard to be strong and complete in the face of that.

So I'll end this the way I began. I believe you, Dylan.

Saturday's Runecast relating to A Course in Miracles

To recap a bit, I began this blog last December. Over the past year or so I've experienced so much drama..and not of my own making. Well, I'm sure I participated, I just didn't cause any of it. So there's that. My landlord evicted us from our commercial space, which also ended our business. We couldn't find a place that was within our budget and given the seasonal nature of our business, we simply didn't feel that we could sign a lease with someone else without knowing how we would pay for it. Neither of us is irresponsible like that, so we took the burden that we're still coping with, both financially and emotionally.

In July, my father died who was also my abuser. Six weeks later, my next door neighbor apparently thought it was just fine and dandy to send his friend over wearing a pistol in plain sight to talk about getting irrigation water on his "crop". I had no idea who that guy was and now we don't speak to the neighbors anymore. If my neighbor had actually done his irrigation over the years, he would know that the properties are sloped in such a way that run off will get on his property. It was why he agreed that we could put a culvert in our driveway so that the run off could irrigate the lower part of his field where water didn't reach. Well, water could get there if they ever re-dug the ditches and actually irrigated that section, but that's another story. So, now I'm the bad guy who apparently needs to be confronted with weapons. Needless to say, now they're allowed only five feet from either side of my ditch and that's it. They're not allowed to be anywhere else on my property, especially at my front door...with a gun.

After my abuser died, his wife began sending me the bills associated with his death. I cut off contact with him over twenty years ago because I had to. The pressure became too great and I wasn't functioning at all. So back to the bills. I've never met this woman. At first, she used her own name in the return address section of the envelope she used. Then, she used his. Time out for a panic attack.. okay..breathing better now. It's as if my abuser is reaching out from the grave to abuse me some more using his wife as proxy. I haven't responded to her. They keep coming.

And then I received a bill from a hospital with my abuser's name on it and my address. She has evidently contacted these places and told them to send the bills to me. I called the hospital while in a panic attack - my heart raced so much I could barely breathe. They were really nice to me and they took care of changing the address back. They won't be bothering me again. Then the helicopter service sent me a bill as well. Another call, another panic attack. They understood as well. I told them everything. I don't go to the mailbox anymore.


I've worked with runes for over thirty years, but not consistently. The same is true for A Course in Miracles. Since losing our business, I've felt compelled to return to the study of both to find my center again. I had no idea all these other things would happen as well. 

Today, I pulled Nauthiz, Fehu, and Ehwaz in a three rune spread. A three rune spread is useful when needing insight on Issue, Action and Outcome. Anymore, that's a daily event for me...

Nauthiz refers to need or necessity. It's the struggle to discern need from desire and the conflict that results when we choose wrongly. The Course would suggest that it's the difference between the ego and our focus on God or source energy. It's living along the horizontal plane instead of the vertical. The Course says that if something isn't of God, it's not real. So in light of the Course, Nauthiz refers to where my focus should now be..away from events caused by man and on the understand that:

Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists.
Herein lies the peace of God.

Fehu, as the action, represents the collective, or in the case of the Course, the sonship. The sonship refers to mankind. Fehu's energy moves us from the pressure to remain with the expectations of the whole to individuality. Fehu also refers to wealth. But wealth doesn't always mean money. Sometimes, as in my case, it refers to something more metaphorical. Abundance can also mean what we give to others. The Course continually brings us back to extension of love and unity as a means of atonement..of bringing the sonship to wholeness, again, living along the vertical rather than the horizontal plane. Fehu also talks about debt or baggage. What do we owe each other as we remember each of us is holy, and an essential part of the sonship? Removing the veil of perception is required so that the individuality Fehu speaks of doesn't make us forget our responsibility to the sonship. If anything, it reinforces that responsibility by illustrating that true freedom and wealth is found in unity with others.

Ehwaz, the outcome, refers to trust and partnership. It's the ultimate outcome of the struggle represented by Fehu. Mastering our reactionary emotions and behavior, and uniting with others is key to a positive outcome. It's also key to our survival, according to the Course. It's understanding that if it's not of God, it's not real, and we can all move past the hurt and the pain and bring about the atonement. We do this by seeing everyone as holy and without error. It involves not judging others, for to do that is to judge ourselves.
 
This runecasting is significant particularly when considering what's happening throughout the world today. It essentially follows the three lines above. Nauthiz becomes..nothing real can be threatened..Fehu becomes..nothing unreal exists..and Ehwaz becomes..herein lies the peace of God. We must understand that the reality is we're all one family. As such, we need each other. As we begin to see this truth as fundamental, the need for separation will will end and compassion will be a given.

And as for me.. my struggle is to see that the past doesn't need to control my present. And that the only person who defines me is me. I'm stronger than I ever believed I could be, because I'm still here. I choose how I define myself. No one else. I survived. And that's everything.


Excerpts from A Course In Miracles, Combined Volume. Foundation For Inner Peace. 2007

That stupid Koch brothers' Obamacare ad..

So just when I think the Koch brothers couldn't go any lower, they do with this ridiculous ad that suggests that Obamacare is like being sexually assaulted by your government. I'd love a couple of minutes with these two pathetic excuses for human beings, let alone men, to tell them what I think of them. But there's no point. They're old now. If they can't understand why this was offensive and cruel, then they're idiots to begin with. Talking to them will solve nothing and will change nothing. 

But I'm going to say it anyway. No. Obamacare is not like being sexually assaulted by your government. I'm a sexual assault survivor and I should know. Trust me. Those of us who are, know the difference. To even suggest this is beyond over the top. They have gone too far here. Too far.

Did they think it was funny? Because it's not. It's creepy and sick. Like they are. To try to scare college aged women from buying insurance that can help them stay well is shameful. They should be embarrassed. But they're not. They're liars. Where are the parents? Are letters pouring in to the Koch brothers' offices? Are parents protesting outside their homes? How dare they intrude in our children's lives this way, presenting lies in a way that only confuses the issue.

I know what it's like to be sick while attending college. I spent a year and a half being so ill that I probably shouldn't have even been there. I had very little money to live on and I couldn't take proper care of myself. My parents didn't care what I was going through. I remember when I wanted to take a summer off and just work instead of doing both and my mother imploded. So they didn't help me at all, but what I did have was their health insurance. Without that, no telling what would have happened to me. It was court ordered due to my parents' divorce. Otherwise, I would have had nothing. 

I watched that ad in disbelief. When it became apparent that this was rape oriented, I became so nauseous that I nearly threw up. Here's the thing. No matter how we're assaulted, the experience stays with us forever. In my case, I'm an incest survivor. All I could see while watching that commercial was my perpetrator's face. If that's what I saw, can you imagine how other survivors reacted? Can you imagine the terror? I can. Because I felt it. And I haven't been calm since.

There is something seriously wrong with the people who made this ad. It never should have been allowed to be shown. What they're doing to innocent survivors is horrific. We've been through enough. We don't need to see stuff like this. I don't care who doesn't like the Affordable Care Act. I would have preferred single-payer. Can you imagine the ads they would have run if that had happened?

These scumbags used rape to sell a lie. And if people believe that lie, they will suffer for it. And why this isn't a criminal act is beyond me. So sorry you can't handle a black guy as our president. He's more intelligent than you; he's more savvy; he's more compassionate. Most importantly, he's a father. He actually understands what it means to BE a father. Get over it. He won twice. He's all the things you aren't and never will be. And if we're lucky, we'll keep moving in this inclusive direction and the bad guys will never be in power again. 

Because that's what all of this is. All this upheaval. The war on women, on cannabis, on children, on seniors, on the poor, add any name you want..it's all about the last vestiges of what is passing for conservatism these days. It's all about lying for the purposes of regaining control. They're evidently not satisfied with the drama they've created, they want more. Well, we're tired of it. A week from now, we'll find out if the idiots are going to cause the government to shut down. And if it does shut down, what then? Will we point our fingers at the appropriate people? Or will we enable it for the next time?

Life goes on..

It's interesting. Every time I either stand up for myself, or do what someone in authority tells me to do, I'm viewed as a bad person. It's as if as long as I'm doing everything that everyone else wants, then I'm a good person. If I say no to something, I'm not. How is that even possible? Or fair?

And the retaliation is awful. Because they always retaliate. My father (abuser) dies and as one of the beneficiaries, I'm given account numbers that my brother and I are beneficiaries on so that I can arrange for their disbursement. I did that. Then, wouldn't you know it, I received more account numbers from another bank. It's funny because I don't remember being told about them by my abuser's wife's family member who called me to give me the initial account numbers. I seem to remember getting the additional account numbers from my brother who found out when the bank sent him some paperwork on those accounts. Until then, he had no idea that they even existed. And according to my brother, my abuser's wife didn't appear happy that he knew about them. But I wasn't there, so I don't know if that was true or not. After all, he had a different relationship with him and was pretty upset about losing his father. But then he didn't do the things to my brother that he did to me. So I contacted that bank, did what they asked and the funds were disbursed to me and my brother. Now I'm the bad guy for doing so. And now my abuser's wife is sending me his medical bills to pay. 

What I'd like to know is where is his will? I'm fairly certain that he had one. Who gets his personal possessions? I don't want any of them, but I know my brother would like to have something. Why do women get involved with men later in life, believing only what they tell them about themselves? Did she ever wonder why I had no contact with him? She's a mother. Didn't she suspect? I would have.

Well, I'm not going to pay anything and she has no right to ask for this. I had no contact with him for good reason. I wasn't safe around him. He had an arsenal that he used to intimidate and threaten me and my mother with. And where is that arsenal now? It was worth a fortune. I asked my brother and he doesn't know. Again, I don't want the arsenal. I want nothing other than what I've already received. I had no idea I was receiving anything and I had no idea my name was on any accounts. I had no contact with him. I had no choice there. He terrified me. And on July 2, when he died, I was finally safe. Survivors understand this. I'm sorry my abuser's wife can't. Instead, she's angry at, and punishes, his victim. I don't get this. He should have gone to prison for what he did. And she wants to punish ME?

I don't wish ill on my abuser's wife. I don't know her. I've never met her. And although I know my abuser could talk his way into and out of anything including a marriage (he's been married a bunch of times), I want nothing to do with anyone who has made a conscious decision to have something to do with him. I can't trust people who do this. I don't know if his past wives were unaware of who and what he was, but I can't take that chance that they were. He destroyed my chance at a healthy life. 

And on July 2, 2013, after 55 terrifying years, I took that chance back. So there you have it.

About that WaPo opinion piece...

An interesting opinion piece appeared in the Washington Post on August 30 by Betsy Karasik, a former lawyer. She was writing about her views on the Montana case where a teacher and student engaged in a supposedly consensual sexual relationship. The teenaged victim committed suicide in 2010, and the teacher was recently sentenced to 30 days in jail for what he did. My last blog post was my own response to the judge's ruling. I believe he should resign. He refuses to do so. So there you have it.

And now my attempt at highlighting and responding to what she wrote. Apologies if I screw up. I'm really trying to get this right. And I'll try not to let my own agenda make me snarky. Because I do have an agenda and I can get really snarky when I'm upset. 

Ms. Karasik believes that not every sexual encounter between students and teachers should be called rape. She does believe that they should lose their jobs and not get them back until they can prove they are not going to engage in that type of behavior anymore. She believes that teenage girls think about sex as much or more as do boys at that age. She recounts how she knew people in high school and college who had sexual relationships with teachers and no one, as she put it, "died". She stated further that sexual contact between students and teachers is not so cut and dried as we'd like to believe and that viewing all of it the same way only creates further problems such as students being reluctant to report problems if all this drama results when they do. Although she does state that something has to happen to teachers who offend this way, the criminal justice system is not the place because it results in too much shame for the victim. She calls what happened, "underage sex" and draws a distinction between that and statutory rape. 

Okay. 

I was also a teenage girl. And yes, I was sexually active during high school. I was also attracted to various teachers in high school and college. And here's the thing about college. I was 16 when I began and 20 when I graduated. I did not act on my attraction to older guys in high school, but I did in college and one was a teacher, and the other was the head of the department. I agree with her assessment about those experiences not ruining my life, but did I do all that because I was ready, or because I was a survivor of sexual abuse? Do we know if the girl was a survivor before this happened? If she was, would this fact influence Ms. Karasik's view? If every child targeted by teachers were also survivors would it be okay to charge the teacher with rape then?

Okay, deep breath..

I didn't report what happened to me because I feared for my life. How does Ms. Karasik know that high school girls aren't facing the same thing with these so-called "consensual" relationships? And as far as calling this "underage sex", that was always reserved for kids..not kids and teachers. If it's an adult, it's not underage sex. It's an adult having sex with a child. I don't really care if we call it something else as long as the teacher does jail time for it. Rehab doesn't work for these people.

Ms. Karasik admonishes against painting situations like these with a broad brush, that not every encounter should be viewed the same way. I agree with her to a point. The problem I have with that view is she doesn't take into account the background of the girls who this happens to. What if these girls have already been abused and are only approaching these teachers because of their own boundary issues created from that abuse? I agree that high school girls are far more aware than even I was in the 70's, but still, they deserve protection from teachers who target and abuse them. Consent flies right out the window when it's someone not in your peer group. And if teachers can't figure this out, then they need to go away. Permanently. They should never be allowed to teach again.

Oh, and about that shame thing.. I know something about shame. I agree that the system makes things difficult if not impossible for victims. So change that. But to not incarcerate these idiots makes a mockery of what victims go through. And here's another thing about those of us who this happens to. Our views can change about the experience as we mature. We may be fine about it when it happens, but then later, as we become adults and mothers, we see just how risky it all was. And then we wish that teacher would have had cared enough to stop us instead of viewing it as playtime.

As far as something other than incarceration so that the victim isn't traumatized, I don't understand that at all. And the reference to religious leaders and politicians not keeping their pants on as justification for expecting the same from teachers is odd. Why appeal to the lowest common denominator? Why not use this as a teachable moment? If the teenage girl is upset that her "boyfriend" is being put in jail, then maybe it's time to explain what actually happened to her. That he's not her "boyfriend", but her teacher. That he used his position of authority and her youthful inexperience to fulfill his own needs. We shouldn't accept boundary violations from anyone. And we should never point the finger at all the problem children out there posing as adults to justify the rest of this nonsense. Just because someone else behaves badly, it now excuses everyone else's bad behavior? Really? We shouldn't have standards? 

Maybe there should be a different set of laws when high school aged kids are involved. Maybe it should be, as Ms. Karasik suggests, more "nuanced". But we have to draw the line somewhere. Predators groom their victims. Teachers have the perfect opportunity to do this. I watched my father, my abuser, be inappropriate with my friends. He was a teacher. He had to leave his teaching position when dozens of letters from parents and students poured into the school district, complaining about his inappropriate comments and behavior. I have no idea if he put his hands on anyone because he never was arrested. He's dead now. So there's that. We're all safe now.

This is, in some ways, a complicated issue. But then, it's not. The saying is, between two consenting adults. It's not, between a consenting adult and a consenting child. A child cannot give consent. Ever. There are problems with the system, to be sure. But a child giving consent isn't one of them. We must protect our children. Incarcerating these predators is necessary. They won't stop, so we must stop them. There should be no exceptions to this. To feel sorry for the teacher in question is misplaced. He should have known better. He's an adult. She was 14. And now she's dead. 

UPDATE:  Jessica Valenti wrote an article in The Nation about this issue..well worth a read:  http://www.thenation.com/blog/175991/acting-older-isnt-being-older-how-we-fail-young-rape-victims#