When we cannot tell..

I believe you. Three powerful words that mean everything to a survivor.

Dylan Farrow wrote a letter that was published in Nic Kristof's blog at the New York Times recounting her sexual abuse by her step-father. Everyone knows who he is, so I won't mention his name. I refer to my own abuser by his first name, and not by dad, because he doesn't deserve that title. No father does, step or otherwise.

Some famous people have come out and made their comments. I suppose they're entitled to that just as I am. But I have to say, if this is true, their comments are devastating, particularly from the women. So here's what it's like..

We don't tell because no one will believe us. Or at least we think they won't. Sometimes, as in my case, the abuser has weapons. I knew better that to say anything. I had the conversation with my mother when I was nine, and she told me to never mind. I stood there, dumbfounded. It was then that I knew she was on board with abuse. Dylan's mother believed her. As she should. No one should have to hear what my mother said. No one should have to know she's completely alone.

I knew that if I told anyone, and I came close many times, that my abuser would kill me. Simple as that. He had an arsenal at his disposal, and I knew my name was on every gun in that closet. It was only a matter of time. Throughout my childhood, I had set up an elaborate escape plan that included suicide if necessary. I spent most of my life in my room, afraid of what would happen if I came out. When we moved to Oregon, he began going out to bars at night. I could come out when he left. Since he was a teacher, he got home early each day. We'd have dinner, where all kinds of nonsense would occur, and then he'd leave for the bar. He would close the place, so a sense of calm would return in his absence. But then, he'd come home. 

His co-conspirator, my mother, finally got fed up enough that she went to the bar, walked in, told him she was taking his car, came home, packed it with his clothing and waited. He arrived, the fight ensued, and he began taking her things out of the closet, throwing them out on the front lawn. I called the police, telling them if he started hitting her, he wouldn't stop, so the police arrived. Lots of them. There were ten cars there when we left, and five more were coming, lights active on all of them. It was around 3 am. The neighbors were awake and watching.

She didn't leave him.

It took until I graduated from high school for her to leave. I graduated at the end of my junior year because that's what we sometimes do..we overachieve in an effort to keep the abuser away. If we're better, then maybe it won't happen. If we're smarter, then maybe it won't happen. If we're just better..

I found the apartment we would live in. I took her and my brother to see it and she rented it immediately. We moved within days, while he was at work. He found us three weeks later by following her home from work.

The last abuse happened when I was ten. It happened on the trip down to Oregon from Alaska. My mother forced me to go with him so he wouldn't be alone. She and my brother took an airplane. Lucky them.

Throughout my childhood, I tried to manage everything. I tried to manage my mother's feelings and behavior, and when that didn't work, I managed my way out. Still, her love was conditional on what I could do for her and since I left, her presence was there only upon my initiation. When she died, I was the one who took care of everything. Because that's what we do. We give ourselves away with emptiness in return. When my abuser died last year, his wife continued the pressure by sending me all of his death bills. I don't know this woman..I've never met her..yet she thinks I'm responsible for her husband's medical bills. This went on for four months. It seems to have ended. She evidently couldn't figure out why a daughter wouldn't want to see her father, or why his grandchildren don't see him either. They were married for less than ten years. You'd think she'd have questioned..instead she married a pedophile.

So, for everyone out there who wants to support Dylan's step-father instead of Dylan, just stop. Or if you can't, don't support him publicly. If you cannot stand with Dylan, then keep it to yourself. She took such a risk coming out this way and sharing her experience. The only people who know what happened are Dylan and this man. These are not trivial experiences. They're life changing. No matter what peace you're able to make, you're changed forever. You don't tell to get even. You tell because you have to. You tell because you'll explode if you don't. You tell because you want to scream from everywhere that he's not what you think he is. He's a predator.

You tell because at some point, you have to matter, even if only to yourself. When people question your motives, or your timing, or whatever other ridiculous thing they want to say, it destroys you just a little more. It's hard to be strong and complete in the face of that.

So I'll end this the way I began. I believe you, Dylan.

Sunday/December Runecasting 12/1/13

Nawthiz (need), Tiwaz (cosmic law), and Berkano (life force)

"Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing real exists. Herein lies the peace of God." ACIM

Today's runecasting is interesting. It speaks to some things I've been thinking about lately. Nawthiz refers to need or necessity. What do we actually need to exist in this life? We fill our minds with illusions of what we need, but actually, we need none of those things. We invent a life that is filled with chaos and judgement and forget that we are spirit incarnated here for such a short time. Since our true nature is one of spirit, and not of the body, we evidently get distracted and create whatever mess we choose. But choice has nothing to do with need and that's where the conflict arises. Need is defined by the Creator, not by us.

Tiwaz refers to basic or fundamental universal law. These are the truths that are defined by the Creator, or Source Energy. They are the basis for our moral compass that some in this life find so challenging. Tiwaz speaks of balance and justice, and sacrifice for the common good. It challenges us to engage in "right thinking" and reflects a universal set of truths or laws that govern everyone..even when we don't cooperate. The action is, in effect, to remain true to the blueprint given us by the Creator.

Berkano, or life force, represents birth, rebirth, emergence and sanctuary. Although typically I would interpret this as a rebirth of sorts, in light of the Course, it feels more like an emergence into the sanctuary of the higher self. It's like a clearing away of the mist that has been a veil before our vision for so long.

Only the needs of spirit are real..remaining focused on universal truth, nothing else matters..and in remembrance we emerge peacefully into the light.


You Sister In Oneness,

~ Jan

Resting in peace..

Rest in peace is typically something we say when someone has passed. The reality of that phrase is something else. A Course in Miracles talks about staying in the moment, the Holy Instant, not allowing the past or the future to influence with judgement how we see our brother in that instant. We indeed enter a pure space where time falls away, in oneness with our brother.

In Chapter 20, the Course talks of entering the Ark. The Ark is a safe space where we enter with our brother, remaining in the Holy Instant, outside of time. There is no judgement there. It is a place where "Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing real exists. Herein lies the peace of God." ACIM

The Course teaches that we are essentially spirit having a human experience here. As long as we don't forget this (we usually forget this) then we're here, resting in peace all over the place, happy and loving to everyone. We embrace the truth that we are part of a collective consciousness, where each spirit is as essential to the whole as all the others. 

Our confusion happens when we see the world around us as real, when it is an illusion of our ego's making. We allow judgement to enter every situation, bringing the past into the present, thus controlling the future. Unfortunately, it's a dark place where the light that never leaves us is kept at bay. Or at least we think that's what we're doing. After all, we're confused here.

When we realize that everything here is error, we can forgive our brother and in doing so extend that gift to ourselves. The reality is, what one experiences, so does the rest. As spirit, we're connected to each other that way in spirit. The body is an illusion of our making and has no real meaning. We can use it for love, or we can use it for hate. It's a choice, except even that is an illusion..and only of the ego. In truth, we could no more hurt our brother in spirit because spirit doesn't not see error. When we turn away from error and remember we are actually spirit, the distinction becomes clear.

The awareness of our reality as spirit is actually a remembrance that some of us never lose when we are born into this existence. As an empath, I have never fully attached to my body which helped considerably when experiencing sexual abuse as a child. I was able to separate from my body and remain unaffected by what was happening. Surreal, I know.. And from my course work toward my degree in psychology, I'm fairly certain that I would have been locked up in a psych ward had I shared any of that with anyone back then. Because although my soul remained unaffected, my ego was destroyed. Without support it's difficult as a child to discern the difference. And I had no such support, so I was on my own to process all the crazy making behavior my family heaped upon me.

When I found the Course, it put words to what I had always known, making my empath reality understandable as well. I absorb energy if I don't protect myself. If I don't stay in the present in the moment, then I can take on all sorts of energy that is hurtful to me. Staying present is harder to do than it sounds. I feel a physical pull to chaotic energy. It's the ego's play time and if I'm not careful, I can lose focus on what's real and become the other person in a sense. Empaths are distracted by chaotic energy the way a small child is distracted in a toy store. We engage. Monumentally so, at times. I can even become physically ill as well. What helps me is to remember that when I feel that energy pulling from me, I'm actually leaving the safety of the present and using the past to judge whatever I'm experiencing at the time, creating a new present that is based in illusion. In other words, it's not real, and as we know..nothing real exists.

I learned from the Course that I don't have to participate in everything that's going on around me because none of it is real anyway. If it's not of the Source, then it's not real. It frees me to not see error in my husband, my kids, my friends, or my neighbors (even the guy with the gun, see August 14 post). I can release my abuser from that judgement. None of it was about me anyway. I can be mindful of energy and how it affects me without diving in head first, understanding that I give all of it the meaning it has for me. I can choose to see the holiness that is, ignoring the ego's attempts at diversion. That keeps me present. That keeps me in spirit..and resting in peace..

In Oneness 

~ Jan

I guess I got my wish..

Well, cool. We're not going to bomb Syria. At least not yet. So that's something. Syria has apparently agreed to hand over their chemical weapons (we'll see). Russia is on board. And everyone on MSNBC seems reluctant to be happy. And what's with the yellow coffee cups on the table? They clash. Pick another color. It's interesting that a bunch of people (me included) seem to have become pundits about MSNBC hosts. Everyone's mad at Chris Matthews and Chris Hayes. I get why they're mad at Matthews. He's not making any sense. Chris Hayes tends to have people on that I don't care for. Rachel talks way too fast and crams too many words into a tiny space in time. I love her stories that tie past events into the present, but I wish she'd not repeat herself so much. And for heaven's sake, take a breath. Because I tend to hold mine while listening and I get lightheaded. Help a girl out here..

I like all of the hosts at MSNBC. And I won't stop watching their news shows in favor of any else. But sometimes it's just noise, and my feedly suffices. 

Back to the Syria mess. The President is in a continual catch-22 with Congress. They want him to come to Congress for a resolution, then say they won't vote for it. Could they stop making all of us look foolish? Because the world is wondering why we continually elect these people who can't seem to put one foot in front of the other without checking to see if the President is doing the same. And oh my God, if he is, then they come to a full stop. Cue the outrage. Suddenly they're no longer interested in moving forward. Now that he's let you all off the hook for a bit on this Syria mess, how about voting on something other than repealing Obamacare. Because the country is beginning to see just how great it's going to be, and already is for that matter. I would have preferred single payer. I believe that will come. But this is fine for now. So stop it. Get to work doing something positive for the American people.

And if Michelle Bachmann, Louie Gohmert and Steve King leave the country again, please don't let them back in. Golden opportunity..just sayin'.