Grow Journal - 3rd Entry - Week 2 of Flower

I finally have bud pictures..or bud porn as they say. The Flav is the biggest..the Vortex is the smallest, but then I flowered Vortex sooner this time. I did the final shaping yesterday and now all I will do is take out questionable or dead leaves. That, and take pictures. My husband added the rest of the TGA Super Soil on top of the plants. Now, we'll just water with a few additives such as B-1, Liquid Karma, Silica Blast, and some bloom boosters until they're done. Of course, we always take our cues from the plants as to what they might need. Pennywise, the higher CBD variety, has awesome looking buds. I'm excited about this one because I've never had a higher CBD variety before and I'm eager to see what effect it will have on my RA. 

Day 8

The plants love the Dominator XL LED lights from Lush Lighting. This is Day 8, the beginning of week 2.

Day 15

Lush living!
Day 15

The Ladies

Filly Bean - Jilly Bean x The Flav

Day 15

Day 13

Vortex

Day 13

Day 15

Timewreck

Day 13

Day 15

The Flav

Day 13

Day 15

Pennywise

Day 13

Day 15

Orange Vision - Jilly Bean x Top 44

Day 13

Day 15

All varieties are from TGA Genetics, either individual or contained within crosses. I like their stuff.. I've been an herbalist forever and there's nothing like herb magick for healing! Cannabis should be in everyone's medicine cabinet. Particularly when it's grown under lovely pink lighting.. 

Happy gardening!

~ Blessed Be! )O(

Sunday Runecasting - Feb. 23, 2014

Left to Right: Uruz, Tiwaz and Raidho

Uruz (Issue), Tiwaz (Action) and Raidho (Outcome) are today's three-rune casting. Uruz is considered the rune of becoming and survival; Tiwaz is our moral compass, respect for truth, and alignment with Source; Raidho reflects our journey. 

Uruz is thought made manifest. It's the world in which we live as well as our own bodies that make up the world. It's how we influence the environment to not only survive but to also flourish as we do so. The downside of Uruz is, with all our efforts to survive, we tend to hang onto old patterns of behavior that don't serve us well and negatively affect how we go forward. If our lives are governed by the past, it's difficult to respond appropriately to issues that arise.

It would seem then the casting is suggesting with Tiwaz that old patterns, while necessary for a particular time, need to be viewed dispassionately to assess their true value. Do they reflect an alignment with Source? In other words, is any of this working anymore? Have we made everything about us, or are we still capable of extending love to others? If we are in alignment with Source, then Tiwaz suggests that our moral compass should drive right minded behavior. As a navigation rune, Tiwaz guides us as we navigate our messy lives, emphasizing ethical and moral behavior, urging us to stand up for what is right. Sometimes survival is more about letting go of what we think we need and letting the needs of others prevail. Tiwaz reminds us to look at the big picture and not just at ourselves.

Raidho represents life's journey and positive forward momentum, and reflects the inner moral compass that is reinforced by Tiwaz. It encourages us to actually live our lives, instead of waiting for one thing or another to happen before we can go about the business of living. With Tiwaz as our guide, the journey will take full advantage of the positive energy that Raidho expresses, mindful of the fact that life is about change and we should be ready for anything. We live in the present and take responsibility for our choices.

In closing, thought creates form. The form we create can reflect an alignment with Source where positive growth is assured, or it can be something else entirely. Our journey..our choice. Choose wisely..

~Blessed Be! )O(

Grow Journal - 2nd entry - 1st week of flower

Day 1

Day 2

The second entry of my pictorial grow journal is showing vegetative growth after switching to a 11hrs on/13hrs off flower cycle. Plants are grown under Dominator XL LED lighting from Lush Lighting.                                

Day 3

Day 4

I confess..Day 5 is not there.  I was there. My memory was  not. So, no picture. But they  did grow that day..promise!

Day 6

Day 7

No buds yet..but then it's only been a week..they're still stretching. Eventually, I'll show pictures of bud development on each of them. But for now, it's the canopy..

One last picture..well, two.. under the canopy and no, that's not where day 5 went..and my first seeds! I call them RipperWise..they're Jack the Ripper x Pennywise. The picture includes both mature and immature seeds from five buds I pollinated on one branch.

                                                   

I LOVE growing stuff!

Sunday Runecasting

Today's runecasting brought forth (left to right) Thurisaz, Uruz, and Dagaz. A three-rune casting involves Issue, Action and Outcome. Runes are broken down into three categories or Aetts. Both Thurisaz and Uruz are from the first Aett that deals with our own personal development as well as how we relate and integrate into the larger community surrounding us. Dagaz, is from the third and last Aett which deals with universal law, truth and ultimately, our true Reality. In short, today's runecasting reflects the process we go through to awaken.

Drawing Thurisaz as the Issue rune, suggests that there may be some assumptions or beliefs that need reassessing. Powerful in its nature, Thurisaz indicates that focus and intention are necessary to look clearly upon whatever is standing in the way of our personal growth. Uruz, in the Action position, is considered to be the rune of becoming and survival, but it doesn't always accept challenges well, so drawing Thurisaz gives us the protection and encouragement we need to cast aside old patterns of behavior that create separation from others and a lack of peace in ourselves. Uruz illustrates that our lives are always in flux and at times, immediate action is necessary for either our physical or emotional survival. Thurisaz suggests that judgment isn't always the answer, giving us the push we sometimes need to face up to what's troubling us as well as to make the changes we need for growth. 

Dagaz sits in the Outcome position of the runecasting. It speaks of our essential Reality as part of the Oneness of God. Our entire reason for existing in this projection we call a world, is to remember we are part of that eternal Oneness. We are projected Thought and a part of our Mind is here, experiencing the idea of duality, which actually doesn't exist at all. We have created the idea of time and all that goes with it, to experience again and again, the drama of being in human form. Because it feels real, it is real to us. Dagaz represents the Collective Mind that sits outside of time, observing all that is going on in this projection. The Collective Mind could, at any time, choose to stop looking at this world and simply remain part of the Mind of God, but for whatever reason, we're not done yet. Dagaz reminds us that as our fully conscious and natural state, our spiritual awakening is the only outcome possible . It's the Mind's final rejection of the ego and the remembrance of our Oneness that results in our awakening.

Sometimes we need a swift kick in the behind to wake up to what we already know. We can play out the drama, or we can see the essential holiness in others. And whether or not we accept it, our time here is always a journey back to Oneness. And that's pretty cool when you think about it..

~ Blessed be.

Revealing ourselves..

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” ― Maya Angelou

I love Maya Angelou. And she's right. It would save so much drama and heartache if we would only pay attention to what people show us instead of what we want to see. Behavior can be telling, but should that be the only factor that we consider? It's the "who they are" part that's open to interpretation and for me, the most important factor involved. Because when we know that, everything becomes clear.

We can't change other people. But what we can do is change how we view them, and then, with any luck, respond more positively in difficult situations. We're a disparate group that, in reality, are One. We struggle in an effort to preserve our individuality, when we should drop resistance and embrace each other as the same. We can choose to see the drama where, as individuals, we are at odds with each other, or we can choose to see Oneness where none of the drama exists. Illusion versus Reality. If we know who we really are in truth, then the drama expressed is part of a painful illusion we've both chosen to experience.

The notion that what we see as life in this world is actually a projection of our collective mind can be daunting to consider let alone accept. It not only challenges current religious teaching on the subject, but also turns the idea of God creating this world on its head. But that's what A Course In Miracles does. We created this world by thinking we could be separate from God. It explains that our only real choice is to continue focusing on the projection, or awaken to the fact that we are still One. Hell or Heaven. It's not that we vanish from this world when we awaken to this..because we don't. We simply see things differently, choosing to see through a holy vision versus an ego vision. We look upon the world without judgment, staying removed from the drama that pulls us back into the illusion of individuality. Since our Minds are joined as One, as each of us begins to respond this way, all receive the blessing, or miracle as the Course says, whether or not they actively participate.

Each of us is responsible for our own reactions to negativity others may express. As unpleasant as the situation is, if we engage with others in a similar way, it keeps our focus on the projection instead of Reality. The question is, do we focus on illusion or Truth? If we know that we are actually part of the Oneness of God, and that what we see is a projection or dream, we should understand that our hostile brother is in pain, or his hostility wouldn't be possible. He's focusing on the illusion instead of Perfect Oneness where only Love exists. We should extend love and kindness, and if that's not possible at the moment, we need to stay in the present, in the now, and not react at all. It only keeps the expression of pain going in the other person. The situation ratchets up, and so does justification on all sides. If a problem truly exists, then it has to be viewed dispassionately so that a solution can be found. Staying present in the moment can create the space for that to happen. Negative emotion dissipates in the extension of love. And isn't that what people in pain really need?

We reveal ourselves in every moment we spend here. We offer opportunities to everyone to either engage in the drama of illusion or in the presence of Perfect Oneness. We can judge, or we can love. That's our only free will..our freedom to choose right-mindedness over ego-mindedness. When I first heard Maya Angelou's quotation above, I thought it meant that I should pay attention and not set myself up for heartache by engaging with people who clearly don't have my best interests at heart. Although I still think that's probably a good idea, it's less clear cut now. Instead of believing the behavior we see as the only factor involved, we can see the pain that exists behind the behavior. We can view this projection as a place where we practice forgiveness and love, or we can view it as a battlefield.

The question then becomes: what would happen if we each chose to step away from the battlefield?

Grow Journal - 1st entry

I thought I would start a grow journal for my plants under my new Dominator XL LED lights from Lush Lighting. I've never done one of these before, but I've been taking pictures and notes, so here goes..

In Oregon, we're allowed six mature plants to grow. We can have eighteen smaller plants, but only six are allowed to grow to maturity. This time, I'm growing Pennywise (14% CBD), Timewreck, The Flav, Vortex, and FillyBean and Orange Vision which are our own crosses. 

After receiving the lights, Jerry hung them and installed the fan and ducting. After much discussion (i.e. you're not seriously thinking about cutting a hole in the wall next to the window, are you?) he cut a hole in the wall to vent to the outside. I'll admit, it was so much easier than re-framing that window and it really solved our humidity problem we were having. Now it looks like we won't have to put in a dehumidifier after all. We may take down the mylar and replace it with some panda film, but that's later. I put the plants in the room to see what they looked like, and realized, I needed floor tile. 

So, Amazon had some that was white and cheap, so that's what I got. It looks so much better and helps with reflection. And now for an aerial view..

After letting the ladies acclimate for a bit, I began cleaning up the underside of the plants. I like to get rid of the branches that won't amount to anything as well as the inside area where light doesn't penetrate as well. It's all about the harvest and what it's like to process at the end. The messier it is, the more hassle it is and I don't like hassle, so I try to do as much prep work as I can early on. I only remembered to take pictures after I'd already cleaned up the first three..

Pennywise is a plant from TGA Genetics that people have been waiting for because it's higher in CBD than cannabis plants typically have. I wanted to see what effect higher CBD has on my RA (rheumatoid arthritis), so when it became available, I bought a package up at Hempfest last summer. It's been discovered that high CBD cannabis also treats severe epilepsy and is less psychoactive than other varieties so we're seeing it used with children suffering from that condition. Currently we're seeing some legislation pop up that wants to legalize only that form of medicine. Once again, the narrow minded of us out there don't get it. We need all of it, not just CBD. Stop overthinking.. 

Anyway, back to Pennywise.. 20/80 Sativa/Indica blend of Harlequin and Jack the Ripper is new and promising. On the left is what it looks like before pruning, on the right is after..the idea is to get anything that's close to the soil or on the soil out of there to prevent bug infestation, etc..not that my plants have bugs..they don't. And I don't have to use anything to keep them away. I just don't have them. No bug bodies, no fecal matter, nothing. Yay! Seriously.

Timewreck is next..another TGA strain which crosses Blood Wreck with Vortex (I love Vortex) in a 70/30 Sativa/Indica blend. It needs lots of room to grow and with 70% Sativa, it stretches. 

Lastly, The Flav..another strain from TGA which rumor has it, they're dropping from the lineup. I hope not because it's wonderful for muscle spasms and pain. But it'll show up in crosses I'm sure, and if not, at least we've done some that are terrific..a Flav x White Widow cross we just harvested that we call Space Widow is pure magic. A cross between Romulan (BCGA) and Space Queen, the 40/60 Sativa/Indica plant is a large, heavy producer and is great for oil..or anything else really. #SaveTheFlav

One final shot of the room..more journal entries to come because we're about to kick it into flower!

Division cannot rule the day..

It's both fascinating and disheartening listening to conservatives these days. Some seem to believe that anyone receiving any benefits at all are greedy moochers. Tim Armstrong, the CEO of AOL, decided to blame two sick babies for reducing 401K benefits. It was a smokescreen for bashing the Affordable Care Act, but of course he went there. Outrage ensued, and the contribution structure was reinstated. But this typifies the lies told throughout by conservatives to keep the vitriol going. It's easy to blame the uninformed. After all, if they actually read a newspaper, or watched TV, they'd know something, right? But how is anyone supposed to know anything when there is so much confusion about it? Well, if conservative media outlets, pundits, and legislators would start telling the truth, and let everyone make decisions based upon facts, then we might actually get somewhere.

Take for example the most recent information from the CBO on the ACA reducing jobs in the future. The fact is that some people work only to pay for their health insurance. With the Affordable Care Act, these folks may be able to reduce their hours further, start a new business, go to college, retire sooner, or stay home and raise their kids. Of course if we had single payer which didn't tie health insurance to our employers, then this would be a non-issue. We would be born, receive a health care card, pay in to the system on a sliding scale if we made enough money to do so, probably in the form of taxes, and then go to the doctor when we need to. Simple. Until conservative heads explode and scream socialism. They need to get over that. If you're healthy, you can work and contribute to society. If you're not, then you shouldn't have to choose between getting the care you need and, you know, living. 

I know what that's like. When I attended college, my parents refused to let me work summers. I had to keep attending college, because in my mother's view, if I took a summer off to earn money for tuition and expenses, I'd never go back to finish my degree. She was ridiculous. Finishing my degree was a given. Eventually, I lived on my own, had a part time work study job, and after much compromise, I received additional money each month from my mother which she told me I couldn't spend. I know. My entire childhood was one impossible situation after another. I lived on approximately $350 per month. I had to pay for my apartment, phone, utilities, and my bus pass. And I had to have enough for food. I didn't. I became so ill that a co-worker left a bottle of multi-vitamins in my inbox at work. I spent a year and a half alternating between bronchitis and a staph infection, finally resulting in a kidney infection. The medicine was so expensive ($25) that I couldn't afford it. I had to beg my mother to come down to the university clinic to take me to a pharmacy and pay for them. She finally relented after a huge argument. The clinic staff stood there, dumbfounded as they listened to my side of the conversation and just stared at her when she arrived to pick me up. She bitched the whole way to the pharmacy and I was so upset that I couldn't speak. She made a fool of herself while at the pharmacy as she denigrated me for being sick, complaining she had to drive "all the way into downtown Portland" after work to do this for me. She lived seven miles from the university.

It's this "catch-22" position in which many people now find themselves. No one asked for the financial crisis and it's clear that it was created by conservative policies. Trickle down never trickled down for the rest of us like our one percent overlords promised. We do what is asked of us and we get nothing but nonsense. We're treated like we're moochers for wanting unemployment insurance to take us through difficult times that politicians created. We're treated like takers when we want affordable health insurance and like socialists if we want that to be a single payer system.

However, we're not the people who should be ashamed. The unabashedly unashamed in our country are dividing us at an alarming rate. And it feels like they do it for sport. Racism, sexism, and any other ism are ruining this country. The conservatives have created such division by lying about almost everything, couching it in racism and sexism. And if they don't get their way, they simply obstruct. They lost the presidency the last two times, so they nearly bring the country to its knees by shutting down the government. It wasn't enough to bring about the sequester which harms struggling Americans, they had to risk our country's credit rating in the process. They confuse everyone about the reality of the debt ceiling, which should confuse no one because most people have a credit card. We all understand finance charges and interest. If I don't pay off my credit card, I incur finance charges. Simple concept. It doesn't give the President a blank check to fill out with that pen he's now threatening to use. And while we're on the subject of credit, how much do we still owe for both wars? The Bush Administration lies us into two wars, doesn't pay for it because of the whole "we'll be greeted with flowers" idea, telling us that we'll be in and out in no time and oil profits will fund the war. Right. Things never turn out the way they say..

Here's the thing. You can't blow up the economy and then take it out on the American people by killing any and all jobs programs offered up for vote. Blowing up the economy was bad enough, but to not help Americans find work? What's wrong with you people? (HT: Ann Romney) The answer is to apologize, then get out of the way and let intelligent people try to fix it. And you can't stand by and gripe about how that happens. You caused the mess. If you can't do anything to actually help, then for the love of all that is holy, shut the hell up. The last thing any of us need is your divisive and destructive input to screw things up any further. You clearly do NOT know what you're doing.

Conservatives lost the presidency because of the way they think about, well, everything. They target voters, women, children, veterans, unemployed, healthcare, and apparently bridge traffic to control the narrative. The problem is, we're not listening anymore. The more you denigrate us and try to take our rights away, the more we detest you. And that translates into voting for the other party. Any other party. At this point, newborn infants running the country would be an improvement. Division has never gotten anyone anywhere except alone. Conservatives would do well to understand that concept. As many are Christians, you'd think that unity would be natural.

We have a chance in November, and then again in 2016 to get the country back on track. We can't do that with the current conservative viewpoint. Either they have to become compassionate and sane, or progressive and compassionate Americans have to be the adults in the room and deal with them in the best way possible..by voting blue. 

When crafting laws..

Should laws reflect our values, facts or both? If they reflect only our values, we may share some, but not others. If they reflect facts, we have to agree on what those are. It might even be necessary to have a conversation about it and that's typically when the you-know-what hits the fan. We don't always discuss issues respectfully in this country.

I've been watching in horror as our reproductive rights are being stripped from us in conservative states. Constitutional protection be damned I guess. These legislators evidently are believers in a more patriarchal style of government than we currently have, and are doing whatever they can to bring that about. I thought we were a democracy, but they have a different idea about that. I live in Oregon where I think we have resolved this issue. But then, with the possibility of insane legislators in the most unlikely of places, who knows? What I do know is we need to leave religion out of this discussion..and no, right to life protesters at Planned Parenthood clinics aren't pregnancy coaches. They're interfering with and harassing women. I've seen what they do and it's disgusting.

Separation between church and state was necessary to prevent the federal government from establishing a national religion. It essentially preserved religious freedom, which also implies freedom from the religion of others. Governing by vested interest doesn't respect the diversity that our country represents. In spite of this, according to an article I read in Slate, although ruled unconstitutional, creationism is taught in various public schools around the country. I don't understand how this could even happen. It's interesting, considering they're funded by our tax dollars. Our religious beliefs, or lack thereof, may seem absolute to each of us, but to expect someone else to embrace and live by those views, let alone pay for them, seems ridiculously narrow minded. Religious views should be personal and govern individual behavior..and not be presented as fact in public school. 

Cannabis laws were created based upon the lie that it was dangerous to our health. At least that's what everyone was told..reefer madness and all. Cannabis treats so many diseases and conditions that to ban it makes no sense. Of course it was all about profits, and not our health, but that's way it always seems to go. It doesn't matter how many people are incarcerated, or how many families are destroyed as long as the pot smoking derelicts are locked away so that we are safe. Right. Doesn't matter that people, when high, are typically peaceful and happy. Hippies are scary; therefore, we must imprison them. The thing is, it's not only hippies anymore who use cannabis. A whole bunch of us use cannabis because we know it's safe...anathema, I know..

The stand your ground laws seem to reflect values over facts or sense. And I don't understand that. How can anyone believe that Florida's version doesn't result in horrible consequences? Seems to me that Trayvon Martin and Jordan Davis were killed as a result. This is unacceptable. It gives too much leeway for interpretation. But then how people interpret our right to bear arms varies. I interpret it far more narrowly than others do so of course I think we need our gun control laws reformed. That's why I never supported the ending of the Assault Weapon's Ban. We've become an outlaw country and our children aren't safe here anymore. If our values truly reflected concern over safety, we would gladly give up our military style weapons in service of that value. But we don't. Instead, we live in fear and somehow believe we're safe if we have just one more gun. But we're not. Action often beats reaction and there's always going to be someone quicker on the draw. Just ask the families of the children who have died at their schools, where they should have been safe. I'm a gun owner and I believe we should have constitutional protections in place to defend ourselves. I just differ on what those should be. Guns don't make us safe in the long run..intelligent decisions, however, may.

To live in harmony, we have to understand that to do so involves possibly giving up something for the greater good. Most of us learn that concept in childhood. Sometimes it's disguised as sharing, but it's the same thing. There's nothing wrong with having freedom as long as it doesn't encroach on others in a negative way, but even the term "negative" needs an agreed upon definition. Some people don't understand that, so that's where laws come in. But they need to protect us when we need protecting..not when we don't. 

We don't, for example, need protection from cannabis. It's safe and we actually have receptors in our bodies just waiting to connect with cannabis molecules so that our bodies can heal. We also don't need religion taught in public schools. It's too personal and no one can agree on anything. So it makes sense to get that education from somewhere else. We don't need stand your ground laws because we already have the right to defend ourselves. Standing one's ground isn't always appropriate and when you throw in ego, people die.

Our civil liberties and our constitutionally protected rights need to be left alone unless it's to expand them. Blood was spilled fighting for and protecting our voting rights..and the penalties for violating or circumventing them should be severe. Legal medical cannabis dispensaries are another example of local areas circumventing state law by banning them. And the state/federal conflict puts all patients at risk for simply following their state laws. Surely everyone can understand the problem with this type of circumvention. It's cheating to get around the law at the expense of the people the law was enacted to protect.

The fact that we operate this way in this country shows that we're not ready to respect individual differences enough to find real solutions. Sometimes the answer is to respect the law. Basic, I know. The Senate Judiciary Committee just passed the Smarter Sentencing Act, which overhauls federal drug sentencing. We'll see if this goes anywhere, but it's certainly a positive start. Some US Attorneys aren't supportive of it, but that's not surprising. Several tend to ignore state medical cannabis laws all the time, despite being told to leave patients alone. This drives all of us crazy because all we want to do is to continue healing. We're not addicts or criminals, we're just ill and we don't want to be. Imagine that.. If Congress would legalize cannabis federally, and then release all the political prisoners imprisoned for cannabis, we'd actually get somewhere. I'm still hopeful that sanity will return..I mean if CVS Pharmacies can choose to stop selling cigarettes, then anything can happen!

Laws should be based upon facts. We need to fully understand the issue and then be honest about it so that laws enacted actually reflect that understanding, rather than what we have now. It would be nice if they also reflected our values, but that doesn't always happen, so in lieu of that, I would settle for laws based on facts or truth. I might not like them, but at least I would know that no one is doing an end run around my civil rights. And that's more than we can say now..

When we cannot tell..

I believe you. Three powerful words that mean everything to a survivor.

Dylan Farrow wrote a letter that was published in Nic Kristof's blog at the New York Times recounting her sexual abuse by her step-father. Everyone knows who he is, so I won't mention his name. I refer to my own abuser by his first name, and not by dad, because he doesn't deserve that title. No father does, step or otherwise.

Some famous people have come out and made their comments. I suppose they're entitled to that just as I am. But I have to say, if this is true, their comments are devastating, particularly from the women. So here's what it's like..

We don't tell because no one will believe us. Or at least we think they won't. Sometimes, as in my case, the abuser has weapons. I knew better that to say anything. I had the conversation with my mother when I was nine, and she told me to never mind. I stood there, dumbfounded. It was then that I knew she was on board with abuse. Dylan's mother believed her. As she should. No one should have to hear what my mother said. No one should have to know she's completely alone.

I knew that if I told anyone, and I came close many times, that my abuser would kill me. Simple as that. He had an arsenal at his disposal, and I knew my name was on every gun in that closet. It was only a matter of time. Throughout my childhood, I had set up an elaborate escape plan that included suicide if necessary. I spent most of my life in my room, afraid of what would happen if I came out. When we moved to Oregon, he began going out to bars at night. I could come out when he left. Since he was a teacher, he got home early each day. We'd have dinner, where all kinds of nonsense would occur, and then he'd leave for the bar. He would close the place, so a sense of calm would return in his absence. But then, he'd come home. 

His co-conspirator, my mother, finally got fed up enough that she went to the bar, walked in, told him she was taking his car, came home, packed it with his clothing and waited. He arrived, the fight ensued, and he began taking her things out of the closet, throwing them out on the front lawn. I called the police, telling them if he started hitting her, he wouldn't stop, so the police arrived. Lots of them. There were ten cars there when we left, and five more were coming, lights active on all of them. It was around 3 am. The neighbors were awake and watching.

She didn't leave him.

It took until I graduated from high school for her to leave. I graduated at the end of my junior year because that's what we sometimes do..we overachieve in an effort to keep the abuser away. If we're better, then maybe it won't happen. If we're smarter, then maybe it won't happen. If we're just better..

I found the apartment we would live in. I took her and my brother to see it and she rented it immediately. We moved within days, while he was at work. He found us three weeks later by following her home from work.

The last abuse happened when I was ten. It happened on the trip down to Oregon from Alaska. My mother forced me to go with him so he wouldn't be alone. She and my brother took an airplane. Lucky them.

Throughout my childhood, I tried to manage everything. I tried to manage my mother's feelings and behavior, and when that didn't work, I managed my way out. Still, her love was conditional on what I could do for her and since I left, her presence was there only upon my initiation. When she died, I was the one who took care of everything. Because that's what we do. We give ourselves away with emptiness in return. When my abuser died last year, his wife continued the pressure by sending me all of his death bills. I don't know this woman..I've never met her..yet she thinks I'm responsible for her husband's medical bills. This went on for four months. It seems to have ended. She evidently couldn't figure out why a daughter wouldn't want to see her father, or why his grandchildren don't see him either. They were married for less than ten years. You'd think she'd have questioned..instead she married a pedophile.

So, for everyone out there who wants to support Dylan's step-father instead of Dylan, just stop. Or if you can't, don't support him publicly. If you cannot stand with Dylan, then keep it to yourself. She took such a risk coming out this way and sharing her experience. The only people who know what happened are Dylan and this man. These are not trivial experiences. They're life changing. No matter what peace you're able to make, you're changed forever. You don't tell to get even. You tell because you have to. You tell because you'll explode if you don't. You tell because you want to scream from everywhere that he's not what you think he is. He's a predator.

You tell because at some point, you have to matter, even if only to yourself. When people question your motives, or your timing, or whatever other ridiculous thing they want to say, it destroys you just a little more. It's hard to be strong and complete in the face of that.

So I'll end this the way I began. I believe you, Dylan.